i feel;

like the most useless being on the planet right now.

bitchassness at work.

and at home.

I dont know how to deal well with passive aggressiveness; is there a manual?

this is probably why I dont date females. Good Lord, if you are jealous say so. dont post "pity me" things on my status.

Bad move kid

I stared at the new picture in disbelief

a rush of air pushed out from my stomach;

AM I THE ONLY EX WHO HAS NOT GOTTEN WITH SOMEONE NEW YET?

flushed with envy i clicked out;

then back in staring at his smug face and his adorable..yet chubby girlfriend.

fuck my life.

David too? Mother fucker is MARRIED.

what.the.fuck?!

I need to give out love.. to recieve love.

and im just a big ball of envy.. and i need to fucking quit it.

let go of the past.

let.go.of.the.past.

I feel like I cant say what i need to say

I feel like I cant tell you that I dont like you.

I feel like I cant breathe.

I dont.

like.

you.

There-- if you cant take being platonic then gtfo.

I wish i could stop crying.

over a boy who has long since forgotten about me.

Over a BOY.

Dilemma;

I dont always make time for people.

I dont have time to.

No really; unless you're willing to get your ass up like me at 6 am and make things work out im not gunna tug on the reins.

I need work to keep me sane;

and school to keep me working;

I need time right now to say "nah im good." and just sit alone and draw because my intrapersonal relationships (Aside from coworkers/business.) Isnt going to get me a job.

I want to seem driven without coming off as a bitch but its harder than it sounds.

I love you-- but Becca's gotta get her ass in gear.

I wont forget about you..but baby you gotta let me grow.

rabs

I got nothing;

lately i open a little tablet and have nothing to write because it all seems to just ..resonante anger.

or some type of frustration that I'm still working to get out of me..

partially because ..of everything.

I dont really want to do anything except hibernate because its so fucking cold lately.

no really, its fucking freezy and 49 degrees plus intense pacific coast wind chills is enough to make anyone shiver.

Whatever;

as of late homework has been all that important so im gunna get this out of the way.

Its rough with alot of my friends not being in school;

because I have to sometimes tell them I cannot take the night off since I still am in enrolled.

In a proffession that I have to work my ass off in or I wont get a foot in the door.

I love it there.

As Cozy as it may be.

More later I suppose.. i've had no "me" time.

Blogs?

My heart is heavy.

because I seem to face door after door.

and so on my phone I wrote a note; and everyone eclectic thinks their stuff is new or fascinating.

Somehow;

I've lost touch with everything despite my vast amounts of ways to be able to contact people.

So here I am;

There are no words that could completely describe how stupid,silly I feel.

and thank god for crypticism.

I have to decipher my own code sometimes and right about now I just have to take the swing and swing it again. I want to cry again... and keep punching things in the face.

I always dreamed I could tear my face off.. and something beautiful would emerge.

because I have not felt anything except ugly.. or sad lately.

I keep getting rejected.

and rejecting myself... and putting idiot things into my priority list.

and and and and.

My tongue becomes thick and all im left is with the same old musings and lyrics that float in the air like bubbles..

i Promise me you'll stay beyond the sunrise

I don't care at all what people say beyond the sunrise

It doesnt seem to happen it just seems to blow up in my face.

who the fuck am I?

because I havent

How do I feel?
How do I feel when the moon is so full and blue that all I can do is gaze over the steel buildings and wish I didnt have these thoughts.

Like liquid pouring its way into my memories and lacing its ink through my finger tips
tapping on keys so quietly that even the softest gasp wouldnt' wake the night

like skin;
sweet skin that compresses and tightens each bud of fingertips memorizing the contours of what was once there
and still like every grace of its presents hip bones that arch in need;
lips;
sweet sounds that reverberate throughout tongue in cheek and bittersweet exhales that leave only one to wonder what will become of one in one night.

eyes;
gazing so sullenly outwardly at a world that rotates even as one's breath is haulted.
lest i forget the ache that penetrates dreams each night
swirling and festering in a cauldron of smoke,mirrors and thoughts.

let the dreaming begin
let it seep
and though the longing is there;
let it grow and mutate if it wants to so that each step will be as uncomfortable as the first.

Baby steps;
into a guiltless world where there are no words
just taste
there are no explanations
just gasps
no if's
only whimpers

may each hold proceed another gripping finger tips that reach out and snap back as quickly as they appeared.
only to fall into a lap curiously/anxiously/uncomfortably.
and await another day of quiet prayer.

No i dont think that i can be fixed

Another day has passed and its looking a little better.

I've almost finished a picture i drew of Zachary Quinto. He's my wall paper so i figured why not sketch him out?

He's pretty adorable and I thought it would be a nice change of pace being that all my thirty second sketches look odd/bore the hell out of me/dont really seem to be capturing much of anything except lines and movement.

Bah! I havent been able to make anything..noteworthy so I just might put this up on my DA. (finally some "decent." artwork.) thats all i got... for now.

Off to play some dungeons and dragons (yes i just said that.) for the first time with my Coworkers. I dont think anyone is ready for what is about to happen.

I thought i was over this

words are bleeding on my pages;

pages like a sad song that i sang ages.

weeks ago-- Purple summer came and washed away my tears and lifted my chin.

telling me its alright, just forget him

and i did and i worked and i slaved and i bathed.

but yet in my dreams in my dreams there he stays.

God;

what can i do?

can i do to quit this?

I let something go that i knew was wrong for me--

but still it hurts inside to think of what would of been.

Its pathetic i know-- Second chances are for dummies.

love does not concur all God.

but a storm churns in my tummy.

A nausea wave of anger whenever i see his beautiful face.

because at one point i was made but now an embrace.

Worlds are different now;

two very different beings.

I was a fool for asking him out;

and asking him out created this thing.

this monster inside of me.

that wishes he were gone.

that monster that clings to me;

and cries when the dreams dont go on.

In them i know... that what we were.

what is.

is not right.

But this could of been so easily avoided--

if not for that night.

Drowning in my dreams;

What do you do when you cant stop having dreams about someone?

In this dream i was in a room with him, he was playing a game and i was trying to get his attention and he kept holding me and ignoring me so i turned the moniter off and turned his face to face me and he was gone.

When i tried turning on his moniter to see what he was looking at i saw that his search engine said "Matthew James." and i tried to click it off.

he went home... and i tried calling him but i was using matt's number to dial.

I dont know whats going on but this is the second night in a row i've been dreaming about him...

its getting old.

i have no control over it and its not like im brooding over it anymore.

so why all the dreams?

Family

I always feel like that word is an urban legend.

why? partially because I have to keep doing a little self defense dance against them and its getting old quick.

When I let my guard down I get hurt... and when i think that .. for some reason things are going to be okay it isnt.

The adults I looked up to as a child are just as petty and selfish as anyone else.

We all have qualms, you cant chose your family. Which is why I have to keep taking up arms and dropping people like hats. I know I'm not an innocent to this and even in my time i've done some stupid things but I always feel as though they fail im comparison to what I've had to witness.

My mother;

my father;

my aunts

my grandmother;

I have to put this on blast because i know there are other people like me out there with fucked up families and NO ONE wants to talk about it.

No one wants to acknowledge when their "elder" has done wrong to preserve the name.

when no one even upholds just that.

I am so tired of crying because I feel like there arent isnt anyone to talk to within my own immediate family.

I'm tired of being pushed up front to deal with issues and then being pushed back to the back of the line again because one of my aunts wont get off her fucking high horse.

I'm tired of secrets first and foremost, and the secrets I was forced to keep when i was little.

"dont tell mama we didn't feed twinkie."

You are fucking evil and I had to live with that.

I had to live with it, and i reply that nightmare night after night knowing that the only way out is to start anew.

and even then why would i want to raise kids knowing that they're never going to know their grandmother? and will My Dad even live long enough to see me have grand kids when clearly he has no kidneys and hasn't bothered putting himself on the waiting list.

My aunts heard about my grandfathers murder; I have to watch my father die in front of me.

he's slowly dying and theres no way to stop it but to depend on some cold machine to pump new fresh life into him.

(and for those knew to this game its called dialysis.)

play the worlds tiniest fucking violin for me .. I dont care.

I cant pretend that pushing this on the internet is going to make anyone feel bad for me much less give a shit. You can scroll down this screen and do nothing.

Nothing; just like the rest of my family members would do and where would that get me?

Back here writing little "save me" notes knowing that its only a waste of my time.

Because Mommy is taking a permanent vacay and My Dads trying to pursue his dreams before he kicks the bucket.

How is my out look on life supposed to be positive when my OWN RELATIVES are constantly trying to one-up me?

HOW FAIR is that?

and even then.. my dreams arent good enough; you couldn't pursue your dream so you have to trash mine.

im not a can of fucking preserves and this self preservation shit got old when i was 15.

I've gotten in trouble so many times for speaking my mind; in my family my grandma just accepts it. lets it go. accepts it.

She takes so much shit from all of my family members; me, her oldest daughter, she watches my youngest aunt and even my father.

She's too fucking good for us and I dont even want to fathom what will happen. what will happen when i dont have her guidance because good lord knows I wont have a family.

I fucking hate that this is where the Rocha name has gone.

I hate how white washed parts of my family has gone and to some extent I could be erased from their family album.

I dont even have a family album anymore

and All i have are the tear welts from the pictures that i've kept as a child and for what?

to remember that at one point.. I didn't have to consider where i'd live after high school?

I was left behind.

and when mama is gone its there again..

All I have are my friends.

Bless them for having to hear me rant/cry/choke. whatever.

Like pictures;

scenes change.

as do people, worlds coerge collide and split apart.

hope shifts to doubt and doubt eventually wins.

just because it does.

it does..

and with this summer, the magic that christmas brought with it.

I cant pretend im not upset with it ..upset with the fact that i wasn't part of the "power couple." that was predicted.

He's just not that interested.

He's just not..

and with a tail tuck between my legs i'll quickly claw at anyone ...everyone.

but the pair of ears I want to yell into.

Dating is balls;

non-depressing

Sun licks the grass

as the melodies of Ani float in the apartment.. distant memories of the past and giggles flow through the room with ease and I cant help but try to push these awful memories aside.

the ground below me is brown, like dirt but hardened wood that creaks beneath my toes.

the hush of water pours onto the plates,clink clink goes the dishes.

a strum interrupts this sound and a car zooms past my window.

Each strum flickering with the assurance of the finger tips of its owner.

As rhythmic as breath

as romantic as hand holding

the lips of this poetic owner are wetted

with the pangs of a cramp

itching and stretching out each menstrual awakening

Each Day in and Night out

each uncomfortable switch;

each heat wave that slips between her legs and over her half exposed chest.

tongue laps at what little moisture is left on her lips;

and she's there.

we are there; here on this hot hot hill.

melting

reforming

bathing in cold laps of water just to forget

summer of 09.

comfort food;

So im watching a cymbalta commercial because I really wanted to watch stargate.

dont judge me..

but I'm beginning to notice when I do get sad.. my comfort foods are salsa,chips and frijoles.

Yeah... thats how hispanic I am. Or with the absence of it I eat it so Its almost like im at home.. and Mama's in the kitchen.

My how nostalgic;i'll update later tonight before I go to bed.

Real Quick

My energy level is pretty much shot.

I havent been going to bed this week anytime before 1... because for some reason in my little illogical brain I dont see the point in going to bed so "early."

Yeah, School starts monday.

I feel like that phrase has left my lips WAY to many times (or even fingertips..) and im really dreading it. Not just because my ex still goes there (for now..) but because another kid is re-picking up his education.

So..the number of people that im cool with are being outnumbered by people that just irritate me or frighten me.

Its bad enough wax face kid is still lurking some where.

I know this sounds incredibly mean, but im starting to have little to no patience for anyone anymore. Namely the people that look like they're going to eat me.

and not in the good way..

At the moment im listening to boom boom pow, it reminds me alot of ang because we used to joke about the awful formulated lyrics. Some of my really good AIS buddies are gone..

I know no one's going to hold my hand but its getting a little difficult fending for myself in north campus and avoiding (As much as I can.) the awkwardness that is my life.

Oh well.. not nearly as interesting i'll post more later.

You belong to the sea

No matter;
the sun kisses my lips.
it melts my skin
spreading a new coat across it

hindering any negative thought.
Beautiful isnt it.
the way the ocean twinkles
grasping the clouds reflection
Each memory flutters noisily in my brain
the fairie fuddles across the ocean
taking my heart with it
the laughter of children fills
the air with a type of warmth
so foreign to me
so refreshing to hear their tiny giggles

floating like bubbles in the air
this was my day
admiring
adoring
the hum of traffic
almost but not quite.
by the sea.

- unplugged
a day at the hobo park
no ipod in.. feels good to relax.

If I could never hear ______ again

after a good ol fashioned cry

bethany and I meandered on down to the hurricane for some comfort food.. and I came up with the idea.. of things you'd never want to hear again...that you'd be okay with..
so it goes something like this
"If i could never hear _______ ever again , i'd be okay with that."

and with that said... we made a list.


1. "i could never be vegan... i couldn't live without cheese. im addicted to cheese! man i love cheese! how could you live without cheese?"

2."I'd tip.. but your coffee is so expensive."

3. "Man the things i'd do to your room mate.." FROM ANYONE that'd be great.

4. our down stairs neighbors having sex.

5. "I like your big funky booty."

6. the dubbed vs.subtitled anime argument EVER AGAIN.

7. "Sorry I didn't call back but..."

8. rap vs. rock argument

9. "You'd be so pretty if.."

10. "does your lip hurt?" from old men.

11. "I didn't think massage school would be that hard.."

12. "I'm just not a 2D person.." from an animation student.

13. "I cant draw" from an animation student.

14. "ITS PERSPECTIVE" when its just really badly drawn.

15. "I couldn't think of a concept.." from a graphic design student when they just didn't do their homework.

16. "Could you spare a dime?" when im already 70 thou in the whole from Art college kthxbye. (and its from a street kid... WHY ARE YOU WEARING URBAN OUTFITTERS!?)

17. "I didn't recieve your text.."

18. any world of warcraft argument...ever,ever,ever,

ever,ever again.

19. "ew you're catholic?"

20. the yappy dogs on the first floor. no thanks.

21. the new petshop boys album on a loop.

22. "You want to make a career out of drawing cartoons?"

23. not hearing shitty bass coming out of cars

24. never hearing another nickelback song ever again.

25. seeing Hey Monday! in concert.

26. purse dogs pissing on the floors at borders

27. women not yelling at their kids in public

28. skinny women talking about how much more weight they need to lose

29. people who talk about going snowboarding at mt. baker during the peak snow seasons

30. after hearing that bethany's from montana "Oh, so you ride horses to school?"

31. not seeing another movie with ben affleck and matt damon in it.
-----
Yep there is room for more.
Vent and add on at the bottom.
Thanks guys! (we thought of so many more.)

A Letter home **Angry becca time**

******DISCLAIMER**********

So this feeling is passing, im not saying any issues are really resolved.
but at the beginning of this quarter is was alot of angry.
Shady shit is still going down with my step family and i have a place to vent.
so read with caution... and yeah... i get angry.
for now, im at peace with my demons.

ciao.
(and thank you for caring.)




i could pour my heart out to you but i dont think that would make much of a difference
I could replace you and pretend that it never happened but that wouldn't change much
i could sleep with every other man hoping to regain some type of sick reminiscent of a father figure but i wont
I could scream at you but you wouldn't hear me
i could cry but your darling step niece would only laugh at me and say "I win."
but she hasnt.
she cant steal the rocha name
the rocha family.
If i could i would be cruel and cast you out of my life
but i havent
you've been near death so many times
and its hard to believe i still fall for it
you have lied to me so many times
and i have been such a fool to believe you were ever super man
you fucking omnipresent of a goddamn father figure
you and my mother are both in the same boat
you both depend on me to keep this fucking family together
to make sure that we dont kill one another so here goes
thank you for showing me what normality was
and then completely topsy turvying it
thank you for making me believe for one second that i had my life back
when its clear i dont
thank you for getting me into college but never planning out anything financially
thank you for letting me swallow myself up in loans
and blaming you
and blaming me.
thank you for falling to pieces when shit goes awry.
Thank you for letting me lose my family at 15.
for not working shit out and acting out on your emotions

Thank you for letting a parasite into our home.
Thank you for crying over me and doing nothing
for abandoning me
and then hushing me when i cry so that for one second i believe you were actually like a father.
for bringing so much hatred, manipulation and lies into our home and into my heart.
Thank you for making me hate you just as much as i love you
and for giving me some warped sense of reality that anything will ever be the same again.
oh and most of all
thank you for never ever reading any of my poetry, looking at any of my art and actually giving a shit
because you dont
because your actions are louder
than your well thought out
and manipulative words.
drown in your fucking family.
fatten up your fucking toddler
sweeten up your toxic relationships.

here i leave you with my last shred of hope;
and the belief i ever had in a God.
fuck that.
fuck all of it.

Let me not be apart of this stupid game any longer.
I was going to give up on you when mom left
I SHOULD of given up then.
BYE.

its about time;

I've been posting long (ish) blogs on myspace (now deleted.) and facebook for quite some time. I figured it has a place.. and it wasn't in either of those websites so here we go..
for the narcisistic in all of us; i suppose. My favorite thing to do is to post poetry as well as fiction randomly in sections of my blogs and it might be a bit off putting but here is to trying something new.

I pride myself in being a bit of a minimalist. Its all in the context of the writing.
So here's to a new blog and a new deviant art. (its only half a year old!)

So without further ado,
let me tell you a little about myself.

I'm 22
I reside in seattle.
I have been writing since i was 15, mostly nonfiction/horror and being of course that I am female.. romance.

I write when im bored, or when im happy.. and especially when im sad but hoping to capture all the facets of why I am the way I am and maybe/hopefully someone else will later read and relate.

Here's to hoping.
Alright super lame for my first blog but I feel as though I'm in an interview.
More notsolame posts later!

- Bex