Lent Day 22: Anime gluttony and small panic

After 5 episodes of filler Trigun episodes and 2 episodes of FUMOFFU curiosity got the best of me and I had to check out when lent was over.

Easter doesn't come around til the 24th of April and I had a slight heart attack.

luckily the extra 6 days doesn't really count towards lent so .. I didn't have to worry.

April 24th I come back to Society.

I'm sort of counting down-- its spring break and thats given me ample time to over think everything. Namely where I'm headed as far as art is concerned. Truth is I havent been able to draw in ages (well I have time now,yes.) Storyboard or even go over the human anatomy in such a long time I think today will be dedicated to what I used to do. Sketch on my own.

Some of my finals I was able to post on my tumblr: in which I try to keep my journal-y side off and mostly post 3d and on occassion 2d works. I'm still in the process of getting portfolio type things up but thats all in due time. If you'd like to check that out its HERE

My teensy pride and joy.

I had a bit of a burn out because I realized that I was way ahead, my grandma pointed out that Easter wasn't until the end of April and I was already at day "26" here on my blog posts. Boy, I knew I was never quite good at math but this just takes the cake.

I'm off to feed myself and head over to Shanda's for a jersey shore reunion party. This should definitely be interesting!

7 more days to go til my 30 day mark!

Holy Cow.

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Lent Day 19: How long has it been ?

I am kind of anxious to reach my thirty day mark. I've been working the past couple of days and trying to get my head right. Finals are now a distant memory (sort of) but as far as recovering I still have quite some time for that. Lately its been brought to my attention that a certain member of my family was questioning his position in his place in Catholicism. Though he had every right too I felt like once again things I thought I knew are being pulled out from under me. In truth: my baby brother cannot be baptized because my parents were not married by the church. There is nothing I can do but I have to admit I am a bit disappointed in the church, despite rules why not welcome an innocent to the church? Of all things that little man needs guidance, God and family. Even if most of the time he'll only be getting two of those things. Lord, help me. Aside from that I had the amazing chance to hang around some of the staff here at my job outside of work. As I suspected they are amazing people, they work their asses of and I have not heard myself laugh that hard in ages. They warmed my heart with their kindness. Even with a shit week I feel blessed.

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Day 18:Footloose

Spring break isnt too terrible as of todayb hopefully come wednesday Ill have slept in past noon and do something fun. This week I have nothing but work. Which is still a job but for my paycheck great, for my health a teensy bit depleting. I can safely say I'm exhausted. Whine.whine my feet hurt.

So anyway--today I bought a candle with mary on its. I never really felt drawn to any saints quite like my father has, maybe raphael for healing but for myself since my mother was never quite there. So i grasped onto that idea of the eternal mother. It might seem dumb or sad to someone outside the little realm that i have but its my place of solace or sanctity.

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Day 17: space time contiuum

I sort of miss the ease of going online, seeing all your friends there. Even the ones you dont talk directly to and knowing you could.
I miss the deliciousness of knowing i could refresh a page a thousand times with no judgement.
Out of it all, i miss having days off. Straight out of spring break I have to work. Im so exhausted but two days after this Ill at least have a day to myself.

Blessed be.

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Lent Day 16: Guardian Angels

During finals I always go through these phases of calm, serene and then inevitably irritable, cranky and pissed.

Everything tends to come into my palms during finals week--gasping for air to finish and then ultimately feeling like the world has suddenly gotten too tiny.
It's all little things and they always add up until I sort of feel like I'm gunna end up snapping on the most ridiculous thing-- because im a Gemini/Crazy.

On a positive note I got to talk to my Dad for more than .05 seconds on the phone.
My baby brother misses me and yet still I want absolutely nothing to do with a certain portion of my "Extended" Parasitic life.
It makes me seethe a bit to know i'll always be attached to that.

All of my finals are finished and turned in.
I am here for my team mates solely because if they're gunna have to sit here and render so do I.

Today is not going to end anytime soon being that Later in the evening I have to work until 1 am.

It's just gunna suck..When I go home I just want to sleep.


That's all I want.

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Lent Day 15: While you were rendering

I somehow made it to my half way mark,

it sort of snuck up on me and on a friday no less.

I suppose like any other sap I should be reflecting on what i've learned; To be honest it has been quite a bit. My reliance on anything other than my phone and my voice as a social crutch has got to stop. There are other more reliable ways to get a hold of people and to express myself.

I have to quit running away from my responsibilities especially if they're on the computer. Happy fun time can wait if there is a project due. I've never been bad about playing games when I have finals but the best lesson I think i've learned thus far is giving myself more time to sleep or rest. Which oddly enough has plenty to do with having an all access pass to everybody's "Bizness" online. If I'm tired, if my body has had enough what is the point of checking status updates when I could be spending that time resting? Or better yet having that energy to wake up the next day so I can actually do something with my life prior to class. Like all good things sometimes we need a break and I think mentally its what I needed.

I would be sort of a liar if I said that in my 23 years I havent made an enemy or two (believe me I have. ) but being able to a.) not see any posts related to my step family and b.) not giving a good hot DAMN has given me incentive not to meddle and at least blanketed my eyes when I'm going through enough stress as-is. Point being; I worry about what doesn't concern me and in a way being able to take a step back from a social network that isn't so "social." has helped me refocus on myself before I got sick.

*As I've mentioned Facebook wasn't the problem I was.

I was :

- facebook stalking exes

- stalking my exes gfs

- stalking my exes potential gfs

- people I dont even talk to

- looking at people im not even friends with

- checking out profiles of people I clearly dislike

and then it occured to me. WHY? why am I doing this ? There's no point to it and its not like its making me feel good. It's making me feel like a sneaky sneak with nothing else to do.

Bump that! I've got this beautiful life to live with sunshine and mother fucking rainbows.

In a way its nice to know its still there.

but in a way its tempting, my finger reflex is still aching to press "f" but I can wait on it. I got twenty days to go and more time for me. After Saturday I will officially be on a week's worth of break for moi! That means tons of hang out time, tons of getting taken care of time and tons of no-eating-meat-on-friday times.

Aside from giving up cursing I dont remember if i've ever been this dedicated to giving up something. Feels like a giant purge from being so reliant on one thing.

So regardless of how much caffeine i've been having because of finals I still feel sane, less stressed and a tad bit hungry.

(K.P. promised an Omelette.)

All my love,

Rabs

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Lent Day 14 : Finals day

Dear school wifi,
You for realsies make me want to rip my hair out. For neither can I use you for my mac nor my droid.
WHAT do you want from me? My rigging final is here and all i need to do is animate. Sitch, i am so jittery. I got here an hour later than i intended to, my body would not let me get up and start the day.
I read a news article on ten millionairs under twenty five and sort of blipped through it in envy. 80 percent of it was small businesses that flourished. I dont have that empire state of mind yet and im almost 24.
Crap. Its only thursday..friday and saturday are just going to rail me. Lucky for me i get to work til one am saturday.
Goody.
I cant even go to portfolio to say goodbye to some friends who have been here since I have. Suckage. It looked like it would be a good one too.
Today looks like it will be an all nighter. Yahoo!
Pray for me. I really do thing that this is the calmest ive ever been during a final. Heh.


Other than random fb thoughts-- i keep having dreams about storms. A couple weeks ago I had this one that terrified me. Three funnel clouds formed and were heading my way, I was in a jeep heading for it as well. Now if that aint some twister shit i dont know what is?

Also, i nearly typed in facebook in my web browser but stopped. Its weird to think that reflex is still there. I might just extend my absence. Who knows? (Smelled like an empty threat.)

My grandma is lighting a candle for me today, my aunt has given me some crazy support. Lord knows, finals are like the emotions you get taking a pregnancy test. Gah!

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Lent Day 12: Finals week!

Lordy be! Attempting to post via tumblr website on this phone was a great pain in my ass. So here I am hopefully this apps makes my trials and trips cease.

Concentrating was remarkably difficult today. Honestly everything in the world just seemed to grit and jig on my nerves. If it wasnt some pastry major gabbing about loudly it was some other kid with music bleeding from his ear phones. I am sort of on edge even if I do have a cafe au lait in my hand. Gah! So glad i got to catch up on some work but boy do I have a long way to go. Work of course,cutting right inbetween finals time.

Ok for reals--guys and ghouls i need calm down times.

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Lent Day 11

If I had any suggestions for someone giving up something for a religious day I would definitely recommend a bucket list.

Christ-- you have so much more time when you're not chained to an inatimate website. It's nice finding out information through word of mouth and hell, its even more amazing when you..I dont know. Step outside. ha! Well admittedly there hasn't been too much of that considering i've been roughing it through finals...though admittedly my attention span has widened, I've gotten more done in four hours than i have in the last 42 when I was allowed to click through multiple profiles and refreshrefreshrefresh.

So as far as what i've been up to? School and Work mostly. I do not exaggerate the majority of time that I spend away from those two things is alone. I definitely have grown used to the idea that its harder for me to concentrate when I have friends around. Which is part of the reason for most of my isolation. I cant get work done if I'm too busy worry about entertaining that person/filling in the silence/ ignoring them and so on. Admitting that to myself has been the hardest part being that..I sort of miss my friends.

My room mates have been awesome and supportive about it. I told bethany that Tuesday night if she wouldn't mind changing my password and my email notifications so that in no way would I be recieving any type of messages about who commented on what. I deleted the application from my phone and even took it off of my message section so that there would be no way that I could even remotely try to log on. (I was trying to be hardcore about this.)

So then on from Day 1 i've been filling in those social gaps with light coffee trips and sleeping in. Though admittedly I have been checking my phone still when I wake up.. I'll have to work on that. Its harder I think to give up my cell more than anything but knowing that I have already gone 15 days leaves me with a bit of triumph and more so a teensy bit out of the loop. I guess since most people get their info via facebook its no wonder that if someone asks me about their post on their wall that I should be able to answer with an ample "YES!"

I dont know whether its mostly because im a bit more encumbered than usual or its just that they miss me as well but I feel like every answer I give is the wrong one. I miss them, if I could of gone out last saturday or been able to celebrate the spring equinox with my room mate I would probably be happier--but also, academically I would suffer.

School is all I have so that I can make a better life for myself. If I get my shoe in, if I network, if I work hard do the bull shit retail job thing. Cry a little bit and struggle, I know I can make this in. (ew, inspirational story much?)

Anyhow-- There was something that caught my eye yesterday that made me so happy I got a little ferkleft. There was a chubbier little guy at my store, I wasn't as pleasant to him as I was to some other kids. He was louder, a bit more irritating and pushy. ..but No matter how awful I was to him he still bought several candy for his other friends. He was generous enough to use his points so that he could get his friends something. My heart melted a little bit since I had been a minimal jerk and he was nice to me regardless. Immediately I thought of Russell from Up! and I knew I had to lay off. I didnt apologize, but my grumpy mood was lifted because of a Kid. It definitely made my face melt a little bit with happiness..

In all truth, though the truth may get you reprimanded, fired and definitely in trouble. Working with kids is both frustrating and eye opening.

This just happened to be both of those times.

Lent Day 10 - Voices

I hate Friday/Saturday nights on First hill.

Every Friday/Saturday night around 1 am like clock work there is some drunk asian girl or guy blasting far east movement or Kesha. Maybe it's because for a couple of weeks my clubbing days have been haulted/over whatever. Just the fact that my typical work-week starts up around that time has left just a tiny hint of bitterness lingering in the air.

Alas, I did eventually get stuck with a dream about facebook. I've still got 36 days more to go, everyday gets a bit easier as hysterical as that might sound. I've stopped setting my mind to think IN facebook statuses.

Today in class we were able to take it easy our files are not all put together but I feel pretty confident about our scene as a whole. If you want to take some sneak peaks over at backgroundsandlayouts.blogspot.com We're team haunted house. I dont think i've ever felt so confident about a scene, particularly because it's done. The textures are as well.

Anyway-- I havent been able to do much other than post this and work on homework so after this week i'll get some much needed sleep.

Lent Day 8-We fought off dementors with chocolate bunnies

Day - Today was a particularly exciting day as my room mates and I got up to grab coffee.

I am currently going through finals week and thus my evil step cousin is at it again, attempting to make amends when clearly i have no interest in resolving a situation which keeps stripping open a band aid and pouring lemony juice all over the wound.

The relationship I have with my step-family is incredibly toxic and seems to carry no end to it. Gladly though neither of have the ability to do enough internet stalking to find this page so I am at liberty to say what kind of shitty situation i've been put in. With that said, regardless of how crappy my week has been I am hopeful. This week will turn out and I'll be able to return peaceful, happy and hopeful.

I can already tell this lent experience is going to be a irritating one, being that most of the people I talk to rely on me to read their post. They are not psychic, half of them dont actually know that I quit facebook for 40 days so, good on them. I never realized how self involved I've become until I stopped using it and there was no proper place to post some of the ridiculous animal videos. No insta-gratification, no "likes" no.. just basic blogging and posting of images. Mostly for myself, I think i'm going through that self-inflicted stage.

Back to my step of kin I have made up my mind about what I want to do. It's given me some distance and clarity that she cant attack me if I dont see what she posts on my father's wall. (FB yet again.) I'm shielded in a way and I will be able to enjoy life without any sort of internet stalking on my own part. I was getting carried away with fascinating myself with people of my distant past. Letting go of people is ten times harder when you can google-stalk search their page.

How scary is that? Granted, I wouldnt DO anything. If anything I apologized to an old class mate for how bitchy I had been but that honestly was about as far as it ever went.

I didn't expect this blog to be so long today.. I guess that sort of repression just kind of builds up and I get so anxious that i ramble.

my apologies,

today is beautiful outside and I even had to rip off my white jacket in order to enjoy the sunshine without being roasted ALIVE.

Alls well that ends well.

- Rabs

Lent: Day 6

Holy Macaroni am I having a difficult time studying!
The computer I am on in the open lab cannot handle maya for shit and its taking me forever to grab the internet on this piece of shit computer. I am up to my eyeballs in homework and I cant seem to just sit the fuck down without having to pee/potty/move/changesongs/do everything but finals.

FUCK-- I feel like im not dealing with someone important and of course I only have asdkjfdaskfj three or four more hours until i have to work. The FUCK is wrong with me ?

I cant lie yesternight I had the biggest urge to open facebook and post a fucking update status aaaand I'm realizing how ridiculous this is. I've made peace with my addiction but as far as wanting to post everything and anything to it, i find it hilarious that something so small can mean so much in the long run.

In a way, i do feel like im missing out but in a way i dont. I thought i would be far less weird about it and be able to concentrate a tad more. .but i think im just ignoring issues that should be addressed once finals are complete. I.e; my quest for a finished portfolio piece that doesn't look like garbage. I'm neglecting this 3d thing for a while and its killing me.

I have alot of ideas im not putting into action and that reflects poorly on me.

So now that I have THAT out of my system this opera is making me crazy nervous. *CHANGE*
I keep rubbing my head and hoping magic will turn out. My impatience is getting the better of me.

Lent : Day 2

So I've always been apt to keep a blog of things and This will be my lent blog.
I am a practicing-ish Catholic, I was raised into it and it has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. ( I make this sound like some type of disease.)

Unsurprisingly, as most girls do I gave up Facebook for Lent.
now if you dont know what facebook or lent is, google it.
here is a short summary; you are supposed to find something and give that thing up for 40 days and 40 nights. There was a pretty shitty movie about it in the 90's.
This time instead of sex im actually just giving up a social networking site that I've dedicated entirely too much time and effort into.

I would easily blog/post/write 20 different items by the time was done and that's not even including half of the menial pointless facebook status updates that I was so terribly fond of posting.
It is entirely true, if you're not posting senselessly well then you dont exist. Four days off of it but besides my room mates I have honestly not really heard from anyone, Well maybe besides my parents.

So is that it? We've become so dependent on this thing to tell us what people are doing we dont really bother to reach out anymore besides a wall post every now and then? Mind you, I didn't expect a parade of "welcome back to the physical world." and I did get one text message from a best friend. However, straying away from something so cozy for me is still incredibly hard. I'm on my fourth day and the first thing I reach for every morning is my phone. I would scroll through the newsfeed and expect some outlandish details of the night a friend had or even some drama from my step family.

Never ever did I really expect myself to have been so ..desperately dependent. I however, am just speaking for myself. I recognized how exactly addicted I was. I thankfully have not turned this addiction to any other site. Granted I've re-started this blog just to depict the ridiculousness of my results but lets face it. I'm not even a week in and i'm jonesing a bit more and more each day.

Facebook isn't the problem; I recognized that right off the bat, it can be helpful, insightful and even hysterical however, I WAS.

People seem to need permission to approach you now, never before have i had that immediate urge to wonder why someone was calling me. They never really needed a proposition before. Yet now, i welcome it. I check my phone like a crack addict much like I have done with facebook opening the screen up. closing it putting it away, opening it up again once more just to make sure that I havent ignored any phone calls/texts/anythingGODANYTHING.

My God I'm seeing a pattern.
Anyway-- with the negative there is a positive. My attention span is growing again. I managed to focus on my homework again and not blip back and forth between windows. I needed more discipline but you dont exactly realize how much it takes until you let something go to allow yourself to focus. May I just say, for myself. Focus is fucking hard!

I ladies and gents, come from a generation who cant put their phone down for one fucking second just to listen to a conversation. We check it like mad, in hopes someone else is longing to hear back from us via text message. I watch as my closest friends zoom down freeways, cell phones in their hands half paying attention to the road half texting back whomever they please.

It scares the shit out of me that I did the same thing once.
Typing this im almost repulsed at my own phone, pushing it away from my wrists as I try to keep myself on this very own blog post. The worse part of is is that I LET myself get that way.
At some point I stopped making eye contact with my ladies and started picking up the phone.

I can nurture myself by communciating with people outside of a window.
I can go a day without posting something that people will click "like."
I can write in this knowing fully well if no one read it I would be okay. That I wrote it for myself to see; huh. I really did manage a full day of online long reads/ more fanfiction/ more stories/ more homework and long talks on the phone.

I never realized how much I missed the sound of someone's voice on a phone. Laughing or concerned. It's kind of warming and humbling to realize I had gone so long without it.

Blah-- getting sentimental again.

For now this is day 4.
I feel strong and weak all at the same time.
so far I havent flubbed up on eating meat! Hooray Veggie tuna fridays!

snicker.