Repetition

Today my team mates and I for my research class were lectured on our thesis. Admittedly it was filled with generalizations and a tad bit rushed. I was happy with the research I did but nothing I did showed up on our paper. I was a tad butt hurt.

One more thing ; I am doing it again. Fbing like a mother. I guess old habits die hard, ill try to ease up on the obsession though its difficult being that a guy I like is on it. Heh, fool. He's cute and I post in hopes he'll like or dig it. Silly becca. Other than divulging that little snigglet of my life my nose piercing is healing up nicely and my week is already done. It went by. So fast!

How the he'll is it already week four?

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Weight;

If I can manage a whole day without thinking about my pant size it would be a good day.

I'm letting myself down and I feel like I've ballooned. I am at my biggest weight and I cannot believe that I had let myself get this far without confronting it myself; being a former anorexic doesn't help either. Look how far that got me right?

I think it started with eating too fast; too little; too late. Too much.

To be honest most of my sugar content comes from the drinks I have. If I dont have time for a legitimate breakfast I grab a mocha and that's all I will have from then onto 4-6 pm.

At nine i'll have my heaviest and last meal that typically conists of some type of protein and starch and I legitimately begin to hate myself because of it.

I dont eat right.

I sleep too much and then to little.

My chins getting fat too. FAT. I dont love myself nearly as much anymore and as I've told some of my room mates I dont even know what my body can do.

I dont feel comfortable giving apart of myself anymore and sexually my confidence is now nill; who the hell would even want to see me naked?

If you cant be vulnerable online then..when can you?

I need to lose weight.

I need to see my calve muscles again and BULGING.

I need to sleep more.

eat better.

eat better food period, just fucking eat.

because then I dont.. I drink coffee and call that a meal.

Ramble. Rant. Ramble.

This might be off putting and I feel a bit scattered brained at the moment. I havent gone to the gym in two weeks and I legitimately feel guilty about it. (Gym is supposed to fix everything yeah?)

Here is to busting myself tomorrow!

Here is to rendering and all hours of homework.

Here is to my sanity rising up again and being able to take care of me.

At least today I had a chance to make myself feel pretty.

I got my eyebrows/nails done.

that should cover up the ugly.

Sakuracon amongst other things

My name is Rabecca.

I recently quit a job at a local arcade.

I quit because I kept being scheduled during school.

I chose wisely because now I am going to be able to work elsewhere.

I'm not supposed to talk about this, I'm not supposed to say how miserable I was there. Nor how under appreciated I felt, I cant describe what it's like to work with other people around your age who bust their ass just as much as you do and then hardly get any praise if that.

Fear not dear friends,

I have another job now at the print center. I am waiting on a background checked and once I am approved I'll be able to carry out my days happilly doing homework/sleeping in and being able to not feel like I am being pulled to three places at once.

With that news aside..

SakuraCon was april 22-24th this year and I had an absolute blast. I worked a good portion of it and didn't really get to enjoy the panels as much as I had during ECCC. However, I did go to a rave for about 30 minutes before I bailed. I definitely had fun but I do regret spending most of con by myself, I wasn't able to get Matt to go with me but he did manage to borrow a friends pass so that he could at least enjoy some of the con.

The first day I woke up nearly as my alarm went off.

I cooked a good friend of mine breakfast who also worked the con with me, he had to leave earlier than I so I thought i'd be kind and cook him a nice meal, in doing this i damn near cut my thumb off. It took a good chunk of my skin but I was alright, I bought some spiderman bandaids and was good to go.

Just walking into the convention I remembered the brand-new con smell all to well. The slightly pine aroma before the nerd-funk set in. I made my way towards the exhibits hall and happily showed my badge which was matted to my chest just in case the red coats couldn't make out where it was.

I happily pranced in their to greet my fellow exhibitors staff and it was just like last year.

I cant tell you the freedom of knowing that you'll be able to enjoy something you love for three full days without having to rush to work to hate your lie.

particularly to a job you enjoy the least.

The next three days went by in a whirrr..

I closed the first day, opened the next and closed again.

The con was on and popping but aside from the opening shift I was far to tired to even bother with enjoying a Rated-MA panel. I just wanted to go home and sleep after having to herd around massive amounts of anime nerds. (Whom I love dearly, dont get me wrong. However, getting the stank face from Ryoko because she had to move out of the aisle gets old after 2 hours.)

To be fair, I have to say working that particular hall has been my favoritest thing at con. We eventually let some people in early because the sky bridge next to us was at capacity. Supposedly, according to the sakuracon forums we might have hit capacity in the building itself but that didn't happen.

Several staff members replied saying that we'd need to invite all of pax, kumoricon and several other cons to make up that max. capacity number. I was relieved and far less stressed out this con than any other.Most likely since I wasnt' dating or anywhere near the facilitators of the even, being around them is really exhilerating and exhausting at the same time. They're usually super stressed out (with good reason.) however, i'd never recommend actually recommend dating anyone that unless they are able to actually handle stress. (enough about that.)

*I apologize if I'm rambling or coming off as a 12 year old but I felt so ridiculously giddy I suppose that it shows. My face hurt from laughing/smiling so much this weekend.

So much can happen in one week!

I have to admit though, I had seen quite enough of this certain person but the time I was done with con. I had a good laugh at myself but overall couldn't have had it any other way.

This weekend has blessed me with a bout of change and happiness. I cut my hair, I re-pierced my nose and im starting anew. I'm happy, unfortunately up and quitting left alot of my amazing workers high and dry and for that I am deeply sorry. I am however, not sorry that I left an institution where I felt worthless. I felt brave and incredibly scared all at the same time. It felt wrong and amazing all at the same swirly time. So I've had time to digest and accept it and I'm glad I made such a decision.

Classes are not getting any easier but I welcome that. I am still rendering after 2 days a scene that I wanted to make perfect to submit to crespi's class. I have an idea on how to finish up my next one and with far less rendering time per frame. This particular scene was an hour per frame and I wasn't quite sure how it got bumped up so but I have a feeling it might have have had to do with something called "Ray tracing."

Grr Maya.

Anyway-- I am alive. Fruitful. pierced. Cut. Smiling and cute as hell.

No really, this hair cut makes me feel like a fairy.

- The Latin one

40 days are complete

Following up with this blog I was going to put a Q and A. So i'll put some common things I was asked here as soon as I am able! Thanks so much guys. --

Q: Why? A: I was addicted. Ridiculously addicted wake up in the middle of the night to check facebook status updates addicted. Willing to stay inside just to read those updates as if they really get me through the day. I had to stop the cycle someway and give myself something else to talk about other than facebook/my cat.

Q: Why didnt' you go the full 46 days? A: have you heard my lent rant yet? Each sunday was supposedly a "mini-easter"--yada yada yada your curse..err sacrifice was lifted. Uh, bull shit. That isn't a sacrifice. That's a mini-vacay from your vice you fool. So i settled for the original 40 days/nights.

Q: where were you when your 40 days were up? A: at the club! It was 12:06 at Belltown billiards and I was drunk off of patron. lol (*I'm a grown up little ones and I do grown up things.)

Q: Are you going back to it? A: Yeah, but sparsely. I said I wasn't going to put it on my phone buuuuut that plan got shot to shit. So I dont know, I'm already on it but I'm not going head first into an addiction. more to come later..

Day 37: Dos dias una classe

Today is fixing to seem like a chill day. I have class til four thirty and a linner situation with one of my best friends later. This week has been just what I needed to take the edge off. I feel crazy relaxed and if I could afford it i'd get my nails done. Ugh. Girly urges but I know the practicalities behind it make no sense. I almost feel bad for not bothering to go the full fourty six days buuut.. I still think its a load of bs that lent was lifted on sundays. Yeah,no. I was going to make a video bout it but I feel a little concerned about going back to facebook and falling back into old habits. My woes are starting to slowly melt away with this Research Seminar Class that I've had. I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of myself as far as being able to go forty days and talk to other people that have given up things for lent. We exchanged battle talks and one of my classmates even told me she had given up chocolate for lent. Chocolate? it almost seemed absurbd! I live in a house with three other women there is not a day that one of us goes without a bite of chocolate but I told her how crazy incredible that was. Dustin gave up soda; a top vice of mine and again i commended them. How awesome it is to share this sort of thing knowing that you're not going through it alone. All in All my attention span is greater, my grades are improving and my teachers seemed legitimately satiated in the work that I seemed to be producing now that I have seemed to get my attention span up to par. Though admittedly going back to being able to see what everyone is doing all the time is tempting, I am going to miss that lovely excuse. "Oh, I gave up facebook." Partially for showing up and partially because it gave me an excuse to set aside something so unseemingly mundane and do something with my life that wasn't updating a post. Blogs are the same and different in many ways, I cant explain how much more intimate it is to thoroughly read a blog post as opposed to skimming through someone's life. I have to say not being able to "stalk" the people I had been for months has been terrifying/annoying and liberating. I got a LIFE. I'm improving on it and I think my next adventure will be finding someone and not through a means of using this world wide web.

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Pt. 2

Day 35: Cinco

How the he'll did I pull off getting four deliciously brown coffee stains on my sweater you ask? Well I am me after all. A big ole mess. I waltzed into my advanced lightings class fourteen minutes late and feeling like a damned fool.

Luckily having one class per four days has at least motivated me to attempt to complete my studies. Admittedly my sleeping in was on my own account but at least school is only about a twenty minute drive so even if I leave ten minutes later I wont be more than twenty minutes late. (If I hustle.)

I got a notice from my financial aid officer, apparently im running out of financial aid. Im on about four k left and then im on my own. I'm. A bit fearful but I had this eerie sense of calm when I read my email. Im ready to finish school but again, its a work in progress. Anyhow its time to truly get off my ass and find a cheaper way to pay off school when im out. God I hope I can.

Stupid poor kid going to a rich school. Ngh.

Five days
1 class
5 hours of sleep.

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Day 34 : six days after my nyquil induced coma

I woke up with a start--In my dream Shanda, my best friend was upset at me but I can't remember for the life of me why. She was so mad and I didn't really know what to tell her.

Then When I did wake up it was an hour after I passed out so with the nyquil still working getting up to pee was the trippiest endeavour I have ever encountered.

Today-- I lost my orca card. I had it in my back pocket..I left. Got to the bus stop and it was gone. Gah, what a morning but at least God gave me two legs so I walked my ass to school. Being twenty minutes late was embarrassing but oh well, two more hours to go for anatomy and then homework all day.

I am also, on the last book of the hunger games and I am quite impressed. I think after lent ill review it on this blog and save it for future things.

I think at the end of lent Ill copy k.p. and post a mini q and a. Ill link her site for you to check it out. Everyday in 2010 she wrote the president its definitely worth browsing her internets for.

Its also finally getting sunnier in the north west so Ill be hoping to soak in at least an hour of it before I dive into homework times. Whine. My inner california girl is enraged at the notion of doing work on a sunny day. Luckily this day ends on a happy note and Im not workin today. Joyous celebratory anthems all around.

I feel blessed, sickly but blessed.

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Day 33: Leave me to die

Ugh--God.

I skipped class today primarily because im being a melodrama Queen and My nose is running like a bat out of hell. I'm coughing and sneezing and the common cold has a grip on my sinuses like the jaws of life.

I.am.miserable.

I am praying to God that a ridiculous amount of Pride and Prejudice and warm soup will be a cure all for the infestation that is whatever is going on in my body at the present moment.

It's only week 2 of classes and i've already missed modelure city building. Missing Crespi's class is like missing space camp.

Yeah, wrap your noodle around that one.

The good thing about all this is, is that I get a day off to blogpost do homework and just let my body take it easy for a second being that last week was just sort of non-stop.

Typically its class in the morning and then work at night rinse-lather and repeat.

It's exhausting and my roommates have already told me they've seen little to none of me.

I think the most time i have had to spent on my lonesome at home was a solid 4 hours.

that's definitely not enough time for me to get my bearrings but I think it'll just prepare me in the future to use that ample time for studies.

The sucky bit out of all of this is that I still have to buy my anatomy coloring book for class tomorrow being that presumably I have a test.

balls.

7 days til social networking.

13 days til easter.

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Day 32 : Thank Goodness

Lent is 6 days longer this year.

According to some Catholic websites what we give up for lent can be lifted on Sundays because those are celebrated as "mini-easters"

WHAT? since when? Sorry, I think its a bit ridiculous not to go the full 40 days worth what are sacrifices for?

Anyway-- 8 days til lent is over.

I'm not going the six extra days.. damnit Catholocism. You make up rules and then you change 'em up on me.

Can I? Yes.

Do I want to? Absolutely not.

Anyhow, I have found a way to get a new job and I'm super stoked. Bethany is going to be turning in my resume and I am super excited to see if possibly I can get back into coffee or start up a tiny web business. Who knows?

Lord knows that I need to get shit done and even now homework needs to be a first priority.

Alright that's the news for now.

Day 30: Wreck of the day

Today after two hours of working out in the morning. I still sort of feel like I didn't do anything. I did my usual routine and by the end I snubbed ten minutes of the elliptical to get to school. Maybe not showering after is the reason is the reason I feel so meh.

Today is just gorgeous. I can't get over the feeling of the sun on my face and the laughter of children. The only thing saving me from getting sick is a good cup of mocha and some airborne. I have one last class for this week and I might try to make working out every friday morning as part of my new routine.

Only with far more showers. Yetch, mersa or not.
Anyhow-- this has been quite a trip. Telling people about what I gave up has been a crazy endeavour considering how addicted I was. I was glad to take a break from knowing what everyone was doing all the time.

9 days.
You know, this blog was for me to speak openly about my religion but not once have I brought up easter. I'm kicking myself too. Whattheeff becca? Am I excited for easter? Yes and no. No because now I don't have an excuse not to be on facebook, yes because of sakuracon and chocolate bunnies. My family hardly ever actually celebrates anything anymore so I doubt there will be a legit feast.

That is probably all up to my roommates.
Anyhow, best of love to all.
Be well.

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Day 29: Lark

My temper gets the best of me.

I was yelling at my computer earlier like a psychopath. Two days prior I lost my phone on the bus/whatever walking escapade I was on and was of course, not paying attention. My grandmother thoughtfully brought me another one to replace my phone but the phone itself was not recieving any service.

Crap-- Just my luck. Figures something as ridiculous as that would happen, to be honest much like my facebook hiatus not having a phone for two days was surprisingly liberating. I sat much of the time with my ipod or Book 2 of the Hunger Games and let my mind breathe a little bit.

I've been on edge mainly because of my disgusting sleep schedule as well as the ridiculous hours i've been hauling my ass downtown. I for lack of a better word, am exhausted.

I envy those who have time to pout over a lost love, work out, do their hair, makeup and enjoy vacations outside of the City to my life-- School then work then sleep and school again.

I know that in this point in my life there will be a struggle then it will pay off. I see it in the long run but I cant help but flex my feet and feel the ache in them.

I cant help but feel my irritation rise when someone else has way more to do--party then I do.

I'm glad to take it easy and yet I want a taste of what it's like to head to miami for a week.

Who knows? Currently I'm still essentially "communication-less" except when it comes to this computer and even then its sort of hilarious how much these electronic devices mean to me.

Namely in keeping touch with the people I care about.

---

---

So other than going off on this ridiculous tangent I am definitely in a state of irritation over the reception i've gotten from this blog. I didn't expect hordes of people but I definitely didn't expect to get snubbed. I think today should be dubbed "Butt hurt Becca thursday."

I hate to admit that in the years of living with my father I had never experienced the sheer narcissism of what people may contain. I admit, this blog, my tumblr and my facebook all center around this somewhat ideal of people peeking into my lives, however, i've never proclaimed anything but what I am. Trying to not suck, trying to make myself a better person for myself, my friends and through the eyes of my God.

I've never gone on tangents about how great my breasts are, what an excellent little bee I am nor the sheer enormity of my behind. I was taught from very early to love myself modestly outwards and enormously inwards. I guess from that I could gather that when people are too busy talking themselves up they're just hiding their own tiny insecurities.

and somehow I am supposed to deal with those tiny insecurities?

You guys are well aware I have my own. Not to mention dealing with those oh, and the ridiculous schedule I'm supposed to maintain?

I love you.

but If I have to get my shit together so do you.

Pick it up, look at yourself and take care of yourself.

a math teacher at AIS once told me No one loves you but your mama.

In some ways this is so true no one is going to take care of you but yourself.

talking about yourself. isn't taking care of yourself.

putting those words however into action is, working out for YOU. not for show but to make yourself feel just a tiny bit less like crap in the morning. My generation puts so much focus in impressing everyone else we forget how this is our one life to live and our one chance to be amazing in more ways than appearance.

ugh.

I am going to listen to my own advice and work out-- more. I feel so weird sayin that because it used to be normal for me to hit the gym everyday and now I have amazing/ridiculous priorities that lay in front of me.

I really need God to give me the strength to not sleep in til 12 and sleep at 3am. That wont help me or anyone else if everything about me goes kapoot.

10 days til facebook.

1 day til payday

sigh. My life doesn't suck so bad I just hardly have anytime for prayer.

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day 28: chocolate chip muffins

Estimado La Padre,

Amongst the 5 hours of sleep..bump that, Nap. I managed to somehow slip between Work and school. I somehow geniously left me phone somewhere amongst Seattle and First Hill. agh. At least phones can be replaced.

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Day 25: A time to weep

I woke up Angry today not particularly because of anyone or anything but because of the awful dream that I had; In it I had finally gotten a chance to instant message my mother. She was ashamed to admit her occupation and I pried enough so that she sent me a link. In it she was dressed in a tight purple dress, a black belt around her and black leather boots that reached up to her thigh. She had a ridiculous amount of makeup on and a black wig of all and what set me back was the fact that she was grinding and dancing on girls my age.

I was sickened in my dream, normally I am a sex positive person however, this really upset me. She later sent me a link in my dream where these girls were playing a risque game where if you couldn't say a word you'd push your finger into her mouth, nose, ears or otherwise. I remember trying to google it but only come to find out that later -- I was in a DMV with my mom. We were discussing my graduation and how much I wanted her there and she fought me on it. Telling me she had everything in the world to do except be there and I remember being incredibly hurt.

*Later*

In another dream I had we were in a giant house much like dead alive. So immediately I knew why I was having these dreams but in it I was surrounded by a shrine of candles all from a different religion. One for ganesh, one for mary and a couple of others for goddesses.

As soon as I had lit these candles I turned around and they were out.

So.. thus far that was the later part of my Day.

Earlier When It was past 12 and I was still at work I had an interesting time trying to keep my cool. Most definitely not because of the guests I had but partially because of the back handed comments I seem to be getting from a peer of mine. I need to relearn to control me temper because as I have noticed i've let it run rampant.

I got home last night a little after 2 am ( I close at 1) and noticed that Bethany's flame inside of a cup was flickering wildly. It swirled in the cup and eventually put itself out but prior to this it had done this fantastic dance like it was fighting to live. I watched it and admittedly was a little scared, this little flame could easily burn the apartment down but there it was. In its cup, flickering wildly sort of like the little gusts of anger I had felt throughout the day.

Thank God I can wake up to a safe home no step family, no astranged mother and no screaming from my lovely but loud autistic brother.

I'm safe here even if sometimes it only feels for the mean time.

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Lent Day: 22 a time for drink

I just had to revamp my entire blog posts because I was getting way ahead of myself.

( I was never really all that good at math anyway.)

Tonight around ten i'll be able to go out with my girls and have a drinky-drink at Sully's. I am super stoked to be taking it easy tonight and be able to kick back with god awful greasy food, new clothes and a bit of a pint! I havent just hung out in ages and last night being able to go Window Shopping and watch the Jersey shore reunion helped me piece things together.

*Yes, I am well aware of how awful J.S. is but it's so addicting.

*Dont you dare judge me

Today I enjoyed some quiet times reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. It was so nice relaxing on the couch, listening to the sounds of the washer and the erratic howlings of our neighbors. (our neighborhood is crazy.) No music. No t.v. No computer just my breath and the turn of a page.

ahhh..I needed this. I'm able to live again.

Even if its only two-three days out of the week.

I had the priviledge of heading to North Bend with my grandma where she made it rain. She had informed me numerous times that if I ever needed to go to North Bend she would take me, I asked she said yes and then today she was like "nuh uh I didn't say that." So we almost didn't go but weather conditions permitted us to enjoy a 4 hour shopping trip together.

As pissed as she was to drive there she actually seemed to enjoy picking out outfits for jackie, helping me find weather proof boots and grabbing some hilariously cute argyle sweaters which I will wear the fuck out of.

The important thing to note here is not that I went shopping, not that I have new jewelry or new shoes but I got to spend time just being with the people I love most.

I needed it so bad and something tells me they had no clue.

I had a cleansing ritual with some of my room mates and I was happy to be able to share something incredibly meaningful with the people that put up living with me.

on my list to do before Spring Break is over:

Drink a guinness

flirt up an irishmen

keep up with my blog

learn how to make a tamale

make lemon bars

spend some time with my dad

draw a picture..any picture. A PICTURE.

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