It's okay I'm used to it.

"Do you know how many text messages i've had to read?"

At least I can vocalize when someone stops listening. Well namely being able to open about something new thats happening in my life, knowing that it wont be all I talk about. If you'd just let me fucking talk.

I've had a beautiful weekend I really have. I had to stop re-re-re-refreshing my facebook page to make sure that I was actually quite awake. This week has been pretty nonstop but I got two dates out of it and thus far all is looking well. I was hesistant and nervous with my poofty dress but he still twirled me and I felt like a Dame.



Like a lady and I couldn't help but be like; ahhh this is what I was hoping for.
I felt bold enough to wear those heels for five hours and my feet loved every minute of it.

Crisp Washington Air and kisses by a water fountain were enough to warm my heart back up from previous statements like "fuck it!" and "Damnit all!"

I've been the one to sit on the sidelines for quite some time and right now I'm happy. I just wish I had more people to share that with openly, ah well. Mothers I think are supposed to be good for this kind of thing.

I overly gush I suppose.
I kissed a boy and I liked it.

Pondersome Saturday..err sunday mornings.

After copious amounts of sex and the city and copious amounts of caffeine my body is shaky but willing to see this assignment through.
Finals are looming and after tomorrow it will be week 8. Week rendering they should call it because my nerves are already shot even though my lighting and models are in place.

I dont think i've mentioned before but I do some 3d work. I'm worried about portfolio quality and with some set backs on my own account its been rough trying to stay positive when even you doubt yourself.

It's funny that in the long the biggest competitor you'll ever have is yourself. I've always been forced to adapt to situations that cause me to panic. That cause me to doubt, hate and recycle those feelings but now i'm beginning to understand that I can get mad, I can dwell, I can scream and fight for once and try not to harbor all that shit inside of me as much.
So long that I understand that its MY problem and thats how it's going to be. People may be concerned but I will be the end result of what those trials are when they're put in front of me.

Okay! I'm beginning to sound a little cliche' so with that said this week has been..pleasant at best. My heart is leaping out of my chest and hobbling around to see if it can find a potential and i keep batting at it like Shanda at the Cat's with a swiffer. Outside is alive and booming and even now I can hear the drunks stumbling to their apartments ready to pray to a porcelain God and giggling like five year old girls with secrets.

Intimately I etch most of the details out here in a blog or a poem hoping to my God that I wont forget what it was like to be this age. My parents gave me diaries but I was never able to record my life quite like this.. most of this being for my sake.

Ah yes, in Seattle a enormous joke revolving around the rapture was brought up. I was at work til 8 o clock at night so being that I would of hypothetically died at 6 would of been..kinda sucky. Die at work? no lusty love making? no kisses? God that is not a way I wanted to go out.

Aha-- anyhow, I suppose I ought to end this blog and begin some real homework. It's already one am and I figure i'll work til about two before i wake up and have my maya-thon.

Au revoir kids!

Trouble

My life is hilarious.

Even when I don't ask for it get a bunch of ridiculous situations laid at my feet.

My words can easily misconstrued and even something as intimate as a poem can be stretched to fit around what one would assume is a past love.

Nope, not so. I guess I have to laugh it off and let people be angry at me for a while because not everything will go accordingly in my life. Not everyone will like me, I gather that. I just keep getting blind sided by people who I thought of otherwise.

I can attack someone, I can post all kinds of things on facebook and gather up a tribe to fight against the forces of evil but I'm grown now. I see potential online arguments and I avoid them now. Posting in my blog is my warning, my head. Dont fucking do it. You can light a match to gasoline but expect to be able to blow it out with one breath.

That's what it would be doing, I tend to try to reason with someone that's already upset. It doesn't go over well and I always end up looking like a jack ass.

I guess being me doesn't do it enough, my blatant honest, my obsessions and what I dwell on has limits. Just let me know.

I guess I need to set it in stone that i've moved on. My newest poem; believe it or not had nothing to do with Roy. It's been ages since i've even brought the kid up.

What am I trying to prove?

I'm not as bad as you think I am.

Fuggi, crudele,fuggi!

Only the cool kids listen to the mists of avalon soundtrack and The Mozart Album.
Clearly,
I am passing the time by doing some legit homework, blogging and finish up a maya scene that i've been meaning to work on since forever and ages ago. I dont know how the time keeps passing by so damn fast.
I feel like my day's just go by in quiet numbers, 12pm, 8pm then midnight.
The time inbetween is so much like a blurr that I dont think I can really keep up. It's kind of funny the way things wind up and what can happen in less than a month.

I'm sitting in here on a beautiful sunny day (believe me i've had my fair share of the sun.) pining over a guy I cant have and sipping on some nantucket nectars Watermelon strawberry. Mmm yummy citric acid. You're so good to me.

Today as I was waltzing down the familiar elliot block I thought of a face i've never seen, a face that used to go to this school and is not. I dwell on things and particularly figures that could of resulted in friendship but end up being thrown to the wayside for reasons I have yet to come to terms with. I dont understand alot of things but I will quietly mourn the loss of an opportunity to pick brains with fellow artists.
People tend to want to lead me into believing someone or something is not worth my time however that doesn't keep me from being curious. We dont always get along with the same person, one of my friends will make friends with another that I cant stand and vice versa.

However, that's okay. It's amazing that way because different points of views although may be annoying are always a refreshing source of information.

Most importantly though at least I never had misfortune of being stalked, hurt or mislead into believing someone was my friend when he wasnt. He was just another flake I could dismiss and send him into the world thinking that all was well. What a waste, I guess that's the way some lives work. We're all like little puzzles, if that piece doesn't fit into our lives we let it go.

and find maybe another puzzle they'll fit into. Cheesy, no?

It's expected to be sunny all this week and much like everyone else i'll hopefully be able to soak in the rays before i succumb to my Computer dungeon.

Somebody call whine-one-one

I have been officially called out and I got butt hurt.

To my friends; irritably I am an open book.

Any semi-attractive male I find they will hear about it.

Most of them deal, laugh, pat me on the back and push forward. Some tug me back shake their finger and slap my wrist.

Facebook to me isn't private. It never has been, its been my source of peacocking since day one. Look at how cool I am not! I know this, I never tried to be anyone else but apparently flaunting my blatant attraction to the opposite sex is causing some stir around the man folk.

E-gads. Has it gotten so out of hand that my male friends are pulling red flags on me?

In other news I've managed to be able to go to the gym more than once this week!

Today David and I hit the gym to a hardcore belly dance class and it definitely cleaned us out. We head over to a food court so I could get my noodle grub on and realized I didn't have my wallet.

That's another story for another day-- the Day before I head out to burien for a 2 hour nature walk as well as a BBQ. Spending the day with the coleman family always makes me feel better, My grandma was nice enough to drive me home and the day before that I worked out for about an hour.

Working out has been my segway into being able to concentrated a tad bit better. I feel way more balanced but my eating has to get back on track.

Problem remains the same; I hardly eat. Today along i've only eaten ..some cookies, noodles and I've had a cup of coffee.

Oh and a ton of lime water.

I'm working on it!

I wish i had less sterile news but so far so good. I have had an enormous amount of support from my roommates, my former coworkers and friends.

-----

and now for a poem a retaliation of sorts.

Not nearly as I am shy;

I’ve come to recognize that people that I find myself attracted to I avoid like the plague; serious as the plague. Harmonious as a off kilter balancing act .

I have to walk across the tight rope 80 feet above friends and come out on top.

Top; its tempting indeed but without the words of wisdom from the women in my family how could I?

Nay Sir: I am a lady.

I’ve come from women, generation after generation of women telling me to heed because of the lips we were given.

Moon faces trusted warm and welcoming.

Eyes the curve from its distance and legs long and lean for leaping.

I come from women with hard working hands and fast working lovers.

Your mind typically reels from South America. Forgetting its rich past, colorful pastels and fervent rolling of the tongue.

I come from hand claps and sashays Sir. I come from hips swaying hungrily. Sir.

I come from Latinas that dipped their heads and arched their backs and watched those crazy crazy men coax them into believing that there was white satin sheets in that bed.

History has been written many times and as convincing as your eyes are;

I wont get lost in them. Tiny oceans that lure me in like an incubus.

Take my hand; your voice aches and I know better.

Know from the hand clapping that for years i’ve been warned and even still I’m tempted.

To jump from this ledge to let feet rise up to meet shoulders and nails to scratch backs while hands grip hair.

No sir. You will not be a Story told through tears but of sneers.

Side smiles and hair tossing will be involved and i’ll leave with a slightly moistened seat knowing that it ended well.

Its better this way, because my darling.

My dearest; beautiful as you are.

Tempting as those lips may be.

I wasn’t born yesterday.

Even though late at night I guess I could be..

Wayward

I keep starting blogs and deleting them promptly--
I keep starting poems in my head and my tongue becomes attached to the inside of my mouth wanting to flicker my fingers across a keyboard or rummage for a pen so I can write it down.

but I resist;
I want to jump out in the sunshine and play hooky.
but I resist.
I want to draw the world but it empties itself out of my brain before I have time to run to a bus stop. wait 15 minutes. hop on the bus. wait 45 minutes. walk home. 10 minutes and get to my house just in time to say "Hi ladies!" and crash.

big.big.bada.boom.

I cant say that today wasn't productive. I'm relearning a new style to use maya as well as making a delicious meal for the day. I walked 3 miles with one of my best friends and my muscles are happily aching from the enormous task of getting back into shape.

was I ever IN shape?

ugh.
It's day 3 of legitimate exercise and I might take a breather so my muscles can heal and I dont feel so damn sore. My eyes are getting tired and its only 8pm. Bah!

Despite my cranky facade the sun beat down on my face like so many west coast California afternoons that I couldnt' help but smile creepily as I napped.

I keep trying not to flitter about in topics in these things but ah well; aside from my normal blah and boring lifestyle I have been trying to make a turn around this week and NOT SUCK SO HARD.Ahem. working on it seems to be the apt description and maybe with a bit more self discipline, exercise and study juice i'll be able to do that.

on a side note; im addicted to Rockstar.

HNGH.

My religion

I grew up with a God.

I grew up thinking that I hated being at Gay pride even though my aunt forced me too and I was only fourteen. I grew up around loving Gay uncles, Gay friends who acted more like family than my own mother and art that secured me in my place when my family, my Catholic family went to shit.

I'm listening to a preacher right now, his quotes from the bible are being used to examine and give options to how to live your life in a christian manner. I am a follower of Christ, of God, of love and I have always found ways to use the bible in my life to interpret how I should act.

Humble, loving and forgiving. (I'm working on the last part.) Vengeful always seemed to come with great consequence, with destroyed homes and faces. I couldn't really succumb to hating so much that you told them how to live their own lives.

believe me I've had that enough in my life..

The reason I bring this up is because there was a sermon he did. This gentleman named mark, he preaches here in Seattle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctQOmzsvisQ

Feel free to judge or interpret for yourself. This one is particularly about Videogames and laziness. From one blogger to a speaker, im intrigued and saddened by him.

I've been surrounded by loving people who prefer one gender to another. God made them, and in my eyes they are perfect.

I could never imagine forcing my friends to be with someone they do not love or forced to live a life of solitude. I refuse to renounce my religion, I also refuse to give up what I believe in and so im stuck in this odd little angle. There are so many interpretations, which thankyoumen has given me this stubbornness with what I believe.

I love my gay friends.

I am a Catholic.

I would die before having them be scorned or hurt because they chose a life that was better suitable. Like any other human being they can experience love, they cry and try to understand how the universe could make them this way when so many people are telling them that how they feel is wrong.

Some aspects of this speaker I agree with. Some I dont. I can look at his preachings with open eyes now and also the wise words of my non-christian friends.

The point is; I can manage in this world even if people dont have the same religious views as I do. I love them just the same and I am happy as they are.

They open my eyes just as I do them. Not all Catholics think you're going to hell.

Not all atheists are going to attack me on what I believe.

Someone made the fun mistake on youtube of saying that God has never changed.

Haha. Little one, have you bothered reading the bible? He was a new God indeed, a vengeful one that sought to eliminate those who opposed him so that the others might live in peace. He learned that he loved his people more than anything and sacrificed his son.

(This is what I believe, if you dont alright.)

Point is : Uh, yeah he did. He changed a whole bunches..because if that weren't the truth we wouldn't be having overzealous christians pointing the finger and condemning people to hell here left and right.

I know I'll raise my kids just as I was, to be compassionate, to have an open heart and mind and to be patient with people who dont immediately understand why they are who they are.

I think I'm rambling.. anyhow.

Blessed be.

Still me;

Izzy wrote on a piece of paper she thought my shoes were ugly.
I smiled and wrote down "That's your opinion,darling."
She put it for two reasons; a.) I wasn't particularly fond of her toe-shoes. b.) she doesn't like uggs.

My favorite part of it was that she put that down as well "You have shoes like mine."
In terms of appearance, people didn't favor nor like that.
I put down. "Then we are two of a kind my dear."

We hate each others shoes but we're still friends, that's what I love about her.

I'm sitting here with much to think about and my mind buzzing with homework deadlines terrible Christina Aguilera lyrics and boy-texting.
I was trained like a lapdog at other previous jobs to smile whenever someone walks in a room, smile when things are array, smile when things make you nervous and especially thank the person every chance you get.

Good customer service was beaten into me like a tenderized piece of meat.
I am slowly letting myself relax into my chair and not perking up whenever someone comes in. I can let them know I am comfortable being there without hounding them down.

I like that..
I can thank izzy for pushing me to do so but I can also thank the school for making it a little easier on me to get an awesome job that doesn't make me feel like I'm an idiot.

I can stretch out, eat and do my homework and take care of people in the quickest way I know how.

Good things about whats going on;
I'm going to be in the Gay Pride Parade with a bunch of fellow belly dancers
( + I will get back into it I SWEAR.)
I have this awesome job at school 20 hrs.
I got a hair cut and a nose ring in case you missed it.
My father is amazing and helped me get an external hard drive for school. (1tb)
Mother's day is coming up and all the mothers/grandmothers in my life are getting a card.
I had my ipod classic fixed a couple of months ago and might I say that i love having it?

life is good.
I'm not pregnant.
I am healthy, broke and wise.

Now to kick this MAL homeworks ASS.

Anew

I dont know what my fascinations with semicolons stemmed from.
Mostly likely from freewriting stories and not paying as much attention to proper grammar and even times at spelling, at my leisure I would create capitals where there needn't be and write ridiculous characters to keep myself entertained. I'd spend 6-8 hours inside with my autistic brother and I'd let him watch all the cartoons he'd want, we'd go outside and play and then at night i'd make him the best dinner I could. I was only 15 but spaghettios seemed to suit him just fine.

We were lonely but we had each other. These memories pass me from time to time when I see a family of people like mine were. One special kid that always stood out and the people that stood around him adoring him and showing him things that his mind would happily process differently.
God knows how much I miss that but relatively my patience level has dimmed down significantly. I've yelled and screamed at my brother more than once for some of the horrific eating and bathroom habits he adapted to while he was in public school, the temper of my mother would rise and we'd get into fights. Yelling fights at first and then harmless fights of succumbing to a world where we had no mother and virtually no father.
My father on a good day works from 5am until late at night.
Even prior to that he had been in the hospital, his kidneys were failing him and because of that we were refused entry into the hospital. My father couldn't let us see him in his slightly less powerful state and so we spent a christmas together with my mother at the time who took pity on us.

She bought me a collection set to do my nails with.
Our tree was little. It cost maybe 5 dollars at walmart because we bought it the day off.
We decorated it with popcorn and string. I cried a little bit, taking the set she bought me. It wasn't wrapped because we couldn't afford it...yet at least we were together.

"Dont tell Dad I didn't get twinkie food."

Those words still haunt me a little bit and even when I would slowly let someone in on what's going on it would freak them out. I dont really blame them, why the hell would you want to get involved with someone who doesn't have the ample happy family life like you do? What will the neighbours say?

"You might want to see someone about that.." He murmured at me not really quite wanting to hear or listen to what I had to say.

I dont gush about my situation but I guess I use it as a means to air out what has been sort of circumventing in my head.

Gregory has been one of my few hopes, he is one of my first and best cousins. He's always listened given sound advice and high fived me through the trials and tribs. He told me that I was pretty sane for someone who had been through hell and I laughed. I had never thought of it that way until he pointed it out.

I'm blessed for the family I do have; for the words I have heard from loved ones, families, friends and even the few purrs from my Cat.

I think I went off on a tangent..
Today was the beginning of a new type of job for me. One where I dont have my life and wish the day was over. One where I actually feel productive and turn things IN.

Week 5 is my turn around week and I might have to stop doing some of the amazing social things I have been and return my focus on portfolio quality work and not letting down my teachers.

Wish me luck.

- Bex