Truth is.

I did want to kiss you but it wouldn't make things better.
It would of worsened it by a ton, I have immense foresight now. Being able to see tragedies, being able to avoid conflict and most of all allowing other people but myself to be human.

There is nothing wrong with pining, i do a bit of if myself but it hasn't gotten me anywhere to go back to what is comfortable.

First time shame on you.
Second time shame on me.
Third time? I cannot allow you in, I hope you can respect that.

You do, it kills me but your fingers wont be touching mine anytime soon and  I am okay letting you go.
You deserve to fly.

Desert.

"You deserve better" She smiled at me, one of the most beautiful girls I know and I shied away from her warmth.Clearing my throat I nodded my head like I knew, like I totally kne-- I had no fucking clue.
I had no clue that I did because I dont know if I did and If I tried to explain I did we would be in a whole mess of my selfish insecurities.

She is beautiful and in that moment she saw me for what I was and to another person this might seem silly but I cloaked my pride for a moment and held onto myself wondering what can I do to show her that I appreciate her compliment and yet hate myself all at once?

I'm not a tortured soul, I don't claim myself to be but sitting here at 1 am yet again not knowing quite how to take a compliment, well girly. This might just be it.

I ran my fingers through my hair when we passed by a cute man on howell street, his eyes averted back to the friend he was speaking with and I had to laugh at a joke that my friends told behind me.

Eyes forward, hips rotating to the motion of my footing and in that moment I felt bad ass.
fingers through hair again I brave 60 degree weather in a dress and a wrap hoping to God I wont get sick.

Most importantly were my insecure hands, fiddling with the bangles on my arms and praying to some light that they wouldn't stare and see. They would be able to only make out the color of my dress and not the warm cheeks that threatened to show when the lights were brought back up.

We walked, trees on the pavement fallen like autumn. Her shoes clicked softly and we swayed to the beat of conversations that can only escalate to the stars.

"You really need to stop doing this to yourself.." She said with concern in her voice, her eyes honest and I listened. Not because I couldn't help myself but because for whatever reason she saw the beauty in me.

Night Owl.

I feel like im 14 again.
I'm sitting here in my underwear watching crazy things online and writing a blog. Bethany pointed out how long its been since i've written poetry or fanfiction. She's too right. I dont know what the relevance of this might be but I wonder how many people can reflect, openly without letting it become a 160 character limit on a social media site.

Lately i've been finding myself overly sensitive to meaningless things that are pushed at me online, there are times yes. I am tempted to delete it. Get rid of my cell phone and start fresh.

However, that would only be pushing away things I dont like. If you never confront what irks you how are you going to deal with it in the later times?

Nights here in Belltown are quiet aside from the stomping above. People arriving home from work, at first it was irritating but now theres a comfort in knowing that more people have a home.

So from there I can breathe and relax into my vegetative Hulu state.
I'm done with finals and I just might stretch my wings into the artistic-for-the-sake-of-joy realm.

Toxic Relationships I have to listen to and how to be poor.

I have a headache.

No, its not because of the lack of caffeine I actually have a decent cup of iced coffee that I made from the nights previous but from the obscure amount of fighting going on just a flight above. As with all passive aggressive Seattlites i've taken part to vaguebooking about the situation and making the slight clucking noise with my tongue to ensure the rest of my empty apartment just how annoyed I truly am.

Thus accomplishing nothing.
What kind of right would I have to go up there myself and let them have it? Hand them a pamphlet for couples counseling and kindly shut the door in their faces. I obviously dont know the situation, however unfortunately this lovely couple and their friends, one of them with im sure is named "Bryan" has made it their duty to let everyone  know that they are indeed in a lovers squabble.

I remember those fights, I remember those fights because they would seemingly go on forever and this one went on from 6pm to 2 in the morning where I was tossing and turning trying to dream of sweet things when her piercing cry came through the window. Sniffling and being comforted by a woman she told her how "unfair" he was being and how fucked up the situation was.

I feel like a shitty investigative reporter who is giving an analysis based on a radio show she heard.

I am on two uneven planes, one wanting to risk the pummeling of a probable fist by simply crying out "Shut the fuck up." and the other wanting to knock on their door or leave a note.

This is a funky situation that no one would give two thoughts about in New York. Oh, passivity.

If anything these past couple of days have taught me to be patient with the mornings and more so with my evenings.

I've been taking to making fresh coffee and storing it in the fridge. For making cake and saving it over a course of a week so i have something sweet without spending much more money. For buying food that sustains me and listening to the way the rain sounds when it hits the floor immediately adjacent to my window. I can appreciate the laughter that comes with greeting K.P with a iced coffee and hugging bethany after not seeing her for a while.

I have had to give myself a silent mantra of enjoying my single life instead of wishing I were in something I am not, of thanking the stars that I'm not stuck in a rut relationship where all I want to see is an exit sign.

Maybe I have dillusions of grandeur like Jarrett said.
Or maybe im just in self preservation mode but for the moment its quieter.

I would rather be here, happy, quiet and silently tapping on my keyboard then thinking that its better to be in a toxic relationship.

Isn't she lucky?

I remembered the day as clear as yesterday.

I remember standing at the airport with my father and my Aunt Jackie, sobbing and him clinging onto my rolley luggage for dear life.

I was being kicked out of my home and he was crying harder than I was.
Off and on the plane ride I kept wiping my tears.

I was moving to Pennsylvania for God knows how long with my Aunt.
I was going to learn to manage on my own (kinda.) and grow the fuck up.
I was getting kicked out of my fathers house because my step mother verbally abused me and my step cousin liked to steal my thongs.

I had a fleeting thought yesterday as I was reading over facebook about deleting this, about deleting my blogspot. Who would want to see what I would have to say ?

I could delete myself but I cant cut my life short, my words short because a handful of people don't like every word that comes out of my mouth.

That is life. You deal. You cry, you write a blog and flip off the past.
You learn from it, you cry some more and drink too many cups of coffee with girlfriends who watch your eyes glisten from happy tears.

In the airport I had to say goodbye to alot of things i never realized I would have to gain on my own, a home, people I could rely on and a new life.

I'm grateful that at least I could move on but it always occurs to me how close I came to being homeless.
I dont ever forget that and I try not to think about it as much but I guess tonight as I was sitting around with my girlfriends at a coffee shop I realized how far I still have to go.

A reprise.

We are the lost children
religion peddle into our simple hearts and our lips sealed with christ's wine.
We taste his skin on our tongue and we swallow sin like guilt
fear me;
fear him;
fear this and most of all fear sin because if you conquer anything it must be bad
and if you learn from anything its that if its that
you spent most of your life living for someone else
selflessness isn't nearly as good as everlasting life in the eyes of a man you never met.

Well that you knew anything about.
I've seen movies with confused children like me
gasping for a pull away from this hypocrisy
peace makers trot and want to hide
the people who want to hurt us tend to thrive
when they see that our hopes are beginning to die
pulling each other up is no longer the christian way
Regardless of evidence you need to obey

obey like a dog.
like ignorance.
like taking a new brand.
I've studied this bull shit for five years and i still dont understand.
man is imperfect.
yet he made the bible.
God is perfect.
but yet this is a shred of what he could of shown us.

If God made us in his image.
why can we be so ugly?
If God is indeed still with us.
Would he be upset?
To see his children so confused.