it’s been a while since i’ve written tell alls or emotions that have been trapped in me like caged mice. I havent been able to dutifully tell whats going on in my head because reality is; I dont know how to face it.
The one thing i seem to hate about the forever alone is how it seems to be a awful reflection of what i seem to have growing inside of me. I have never outright dealt with rejection well and this was literally in my face.
“I’m done..” he said as we were walking past a corridor facing what i knew was the end of us.
I had this talk with shanda before when we first started dating.
“It’s going to suck when its done..” I said.
“It cant last forever..” she told me.
The reality of this biting situation that for the moment, for the age it seems so true. so hauntingly true to face that in our age love seems almost impossible. We’ve gone through the highschool stages, the eternal blissful love that comes to a crashing hault. Suffocatingly enough is bothering to date when the person only goes to change their mind, which mind you. They are rightfully able to do but the games they play in order to get laid becoming far more elaborate than i had ever expected.
“I dont have to be in a relationship to fuck someone.” I attempted to verbally lay into him the pain i had felt for being ignored for almost a week. Women have had worse as I would have expected but i never thought that I would be asked to stay and leave all within one month.
I never knew that something so tiny in my life could blow up yet again. This year at Sakuracon it was like a cluster fuck of the men that i had laid with. Roy was a distant memory. a tiny buzzing in my ear that i had all to soon forgotten. The two weeks of hell in new york while i was essentially been negated for world of war craft.
All with that tiny voice shouting and crying.
You PUT yourself in that situation.
Men just as emotionally neglectful as the next and yet a tiny glimmer of hope that they would see you as more than just a conquest or a thing.
boys. boys obsessed with video games and not me.
boys who were too emotionally torn up inside to open up to someone that just enjoyed being in their presence and trying not to feel the pathetic cloud washing over her.
I want to stop crying.
and the numbness that comes with the love that comes from everyone but them is all consuming. The people I share these feelings with are starting to see the shell crack and that scares me the most.
I havent written or drawn much of anything. I havent been able to peel away exactly what has been bothering me and stayed in a state of artistic catatonic emotion.
I cant apologize for what they did and I cant say i deserved it.
I cant say i didn’t try and i’ll never apologize for the amazing sex I had but that cannot be the ball and end all of my life. Of my 20’s.
