Weight;

If I can manage a whole day without thinking about my pant size it would be a good day.

I'm letting myself down and I feel like I've ballooned. I am at my biggest weight and I cannot believe that I had let myself get this far without confronting it myself; being a former anorexic doesn't help either. Look how far that got me right?

I think it started with eating too fast; too little; too late. Too much.

To be honest most of my sugar content comes from the drinks I have. If I dont have time for a legitimate breakfast I grab a mocha and that's all I will have from then onto 4-6 pm.

At nine i'll have my heaviest and last meal that typically conists of some type of protein and starch and I legitimately begin to hate myself because of it.

I dont eat right.

I sleep too much and then to little.

My chins getting fat too. FAT. I dont love myself nearly as much anymore and as I've told some of my room mates I dont even know what my body can do.

I dont feel comfortable giving apart of myself anymore and sexually my confidence is now nill; who the hell would even want to see me naked?

If you cant be vulnerable online then..when can you?

I need to lose weight.

I need to see my calve muscles again and BULGING.

I need to sleep more.

eat better.

eat better food period, just fucking eat.

because then I dont.. I drink coffee and call that a meal.

Ramble. Rant. Ramble.

This might be off putting and I feel a bit scattered brained at the moment. I havent gone to the gym in two weeks and I legitimately feel guilty about it. (Gym is supposed to fix everything yeah?)

Here is to busting myself tomorrow!

Here is to rendering and all hours of homework.

Here is to my sanity rising up again and being able to take care of me.

At least today I had a chance to make myself feel pretty.

I got my eyebrows/nails done.

that should cover up the ugly.