Living with regrets and re-expelling them

I have been tempted to walk alone at night.Ipod in hand, flowing dress and heels and just existing.

The nightlife isn't foreign to me. Staying up til God awful hours of the night watching porn or figuring out things without putting much effort into painting what is going on in my head.

I was able to open up to my girlfriends and find my sweet release. I am doing this to myself and I keep re watching the same episode of a miserable state that I locked myself into.

Life isn't just a single sector but a multitude of moments i'll remember.
I'll remember the beautiful decaying white trees, the sound of the waves pulling the rocks away and the blush that spread across Bethany's face. A feeling of finally.


Seeing her Joy, Seeing others move on and experience life and love and success. I relish in it. I never saw the point in truly succumbing to jealousy because it eats up far too much time that I care to give.

I never thought I was above any experience. I make mistakes, huge ones and I am still here. I dont think that everything I say is so profound but its humorous to me to watch reflections of myself in things that I watch and do.

I recently sat down to watch HBO's "Girls" and "(Anos Besitientos) Leap Year."
To some points these reflected what a woman in her 20's is experiencing right now and the number keeps popping up. 25. 25.25.

I am 25.

I am the center of my own universe, cat, apartment, phone and facebook in all. I am plugged in and somehow caught in a space of gravity that I never expected. I have friendships that have lasted me a life time and I am doing so much soul searching that at times I make myself want to puke.
I look on in mild amusement that the lovers, boyfriends and playthings I have taken on all amount to laughable experiences with girls on a Tuesday afternoon.

I havent lost touch with human contact, with skin on skin or the fluttery feeling of a crush. However, being that I have experienced rejection, sex, money, lust and hunger. This has jaded my poor cold dead heart in the most humorous way possible.

I am still learning.
still spoiled.
still broke.

maybe thats why I havent given up.

Lust.

fingers wove into skin delicately
eyes gaze longinly at lips
mouths part curiously
then urgently, hungrily
until waves of pheromones take over
commanding the brain into over load
anxious so anxious
like a nymph 
like an unsatiated flower
grappling for what is truth
this is truth
like so many moans
tongues touching hungry
so burning is it that to succumb is the only way
hips pressed tightly pelvis grind
wanting wanted
reciprocating the lust that grows
growing like his need
growing like her love
and so he held her 
lips n'er parting
n'er leaving one another's side
kisses so perfect
so fervent
she ached for more.

Doll.

melt into a song..
let it sink into my hips and past the dirt on my knees

the arch of my back
buckling beneath the twang of heat
and mechanics;

ticking towards my side and grasping hair skin and flesh against my own
i am metal
i am not real

but your lips are
and i can only imagine
what they taste like
taste like

when im dancing
for you
in the audience
you see me and i know you do so for you
en pointe
I twirl my arms askew at the attempt at looking human
toes pointed i rise despite gravity
despite the earth 
n'er breathing
twirling for you, mister

if i dared
would you mate
with this mare?

i suck back a sob
when you leave the room
hoping after this 
i'll see you soon.

but alas you are gone
as is my performance.

meet me at midnight
beneath the lamp post.

Baby boy

Curtains drew back as the sun dipped into a room filled with Jasmine scented candles and Vanilla scented incense. A slumbering Body grumbled as a twitchy foot felt the warmth fo the sun as it cupped the padding of those sleepy toes.

The cushions of the bed heavy with the an angel fanned out against a mattress. That creaked with strain, each fabric stretched and came together as the Suns beams were unrelenting.

Shadows dipped into crevices that dipped and formed pouted lips moist as honey dew, lashes curved towards the heaven and dark as obsidian.Cheeks flushed with sleep and satin pillows smothered against heavy breathing chests.

A cherub like child--Brown tuft of hair that speckled with gold in the sunlight.
Beautiful boy-- fists balled tightly the air whistled with his ight snore.
He grumbles--a little man. 

baby boy--sleep now in your crib. Sleep, let the world not weigh you in.

I dont speak any;

I don't speak any japanese. But his voice made me want to, not one word in japanese but kanji threatened to flicker across my lips into my fingers and scribble calligraphy.

Absurd as it was I no longer carried pieces of paper to write poetry

I merely mumbled words in spanish and counted syllables with the utmost delicacy.

You are beautiful;

How many languages may I say that in?

Will it translate as well as your skin.

Making my mouth water counting the strands of your jet black hair. Eyes lit like the moon and obsidian as rock. Or maybe are you vietnamese? Words cluck from your tongue as harmonious as your english.

Please.

Don't stop talking because in a world with too little words and too much text I can't bear any more silence.

Speak; foreign tongues.

Spanish or asian.

Brown or white as porcelain.

Its another quiet longing I won't fulfill.

In spite of myself.

Narcissism

Are we?
I have been watching Girls for the past couple of days. I've been aching to see a different perspective as to what other people are going through in their early twenties. Young, scared and horny.

That about sums it up but mostly being able to see a reflection in a t.v. series is refreshing.

I hate it and I love it however this isn't a review of the show but more along the lines of the symbiotic relationship everyone in this area seems to be having.

Spoiled

Later as I am walking home I was staring at a fake red flower I put in my hair.
My thoughts drifted to the times I had been safe and snug in a relationship that I thought made me happy.


Realistically after a year I was bored. Bored of not seeing someone I loved and not admitting to myself that I didn't truly love the guy I was with. I stretch the word guy, considering this one refused to get a job or move out of his mother's house.

He had a semi-invasive issue with his own body but namely with mild issues with his heart... It was a medical condition in which he was able to lead a completely normal life ..just with heaps of gatorade.

I didn't appreciate him as a human being let alone a boyfriend and soon grew aggravated at the constant pull between him and school.

Yet he held a kind of kindness I dont think I could carry in myself any longer. He could make friends with anyone and was able to charm whomever. He was never manipulative and the sweet voice that would whisper good night to me each night for 3 years.

Fast forward from age 20 to 25.. Here I was walking down 4th avenue wondering what happened.
Had I cheated myself in thinking that short term casual sex was better than a relationship?

Admittedly it's certainly less complicated and being that this blog is certainly turning into more of a personal one I suppose that eventually the truth will come out.

You dont truly appreciate what you had until its gone but how else would you learn to deal with your own issues and other types of people unless you made mistakes? The city life is so full of questions with half-assed answers and I truly feel blind in this city.

One minute you think you're dating someone and they disappear. The signs dont pop up until after like a hap-hazard Nostradamus prediction and you're left to pick up tiny pieces of you that you thought you could give to someone you barely knew.

You're more afraid of giving someone your heart than you're body and surprised when that person bails? Seattle guys I tell you. Are something else.

Passive aggresive. Moody. Shy. Adorable. Determined and confusing.

Is that anywhere? Shit I dont know. I've been to New York where people somehow manage to, oh whats the word? Talk? yeah. talk. to one another.

Lord I sound so bitter.
I dont think i'll ever truly figure this or myself out but ..most importantly is wondering how exactly do i have someone stick around long enough so that I may cook them some goddamn breakfast?