Living with regrets and re-expelling them

I have been tempted to walk alone at night.Ipod in hand, flowing dress and heels and just existing.

The nightlife isn't foreign to me. Staying up til God awful hours of the night watching porn or figuring out things without putting much effort into painting what is going on in my head.

I was able to open up to my girlfriends and find my sweet release. I am doing this to myself and I keep re watching the same episode of a miserable state that I locked myself into.

Life isn't just a single sector but a multitude of moments i'll remember.
I'll remember the beautiful decaying white trees, the sound of the waves pulling the rocks away and the blush that spread across Bethany's face. A feeling of finally.


Seeing her Joy, Seeing others move on and experience life and love and success. I relish in it. I never saw the point in truly succumbing to jealousy because it eats up far too much time that I care to give.

I never thought I was above any experience. I make mistakes, huge ones and I am still here. I dont think that everything I say is so profound but its humorous to me to watch reflections of myself in things that I watch and do.

I recently sat down to watch HBO's "Girls" and "(Anos Besitientos) Leap Year."
To some points these reflected what a woman in her 20's is experiencing right now and the number keeps popping up. 25. 25.25.

I am 25.

I am the center of my own universe, cat, apartment, phone and facebook in all. I am plugged in and somehow caught in a space of gravity that I never expected. I have friendships that have lasted me a life time and I am doing so much soul searching that at times I make myself want to puke.
I look on in mild amusement that the lovers, boyfriends and playthings I have taken on all amount to laughable experiences with girls on a Tuesday afternoon.

I havent lost touch with human contact, with skin on skin or the fluttery feeling of a crush. However, being that I have experienced rejection, sex, money, lust and hunger. This has jaded my poor cold dead heart in the most humorous way possible.

I am still learning.
still spoiled.
still broke.

maybe thats why I havent given up.