Failure

The past couple of weeks have been a tried and true test of the human spirit and emotional churning I think one can endure.

This Quarter has felt so perilous and yet no one can learn anything from constantly doing well. This entire career at the Art Institute has been a test of what I think I could do, what I could do and how I could of pushed that past anything I've ever done in the past.

The bitter taste of failure came when I was very young. I was kept plump,happy and sated most of my life so sports did not come naturally to me...at all. I couldn't run as fast as the other kids and I definitely had no idea of what was what in terms of athletics.

Hence my dip into The Arts and literature with that I was able to hone in some of the imaginative juices that come from spending so much time sheltered.

Depression was laid on thick last week and all I could do after a review and a quick slap of an "F" on my grade all I wanted to do was sleep. We all went into a room, uploaded our demo reel and awaited our reaping.

That it was, a scour of teachers new and old sat within the front row. We pulled up our website (because in this industry if you dont have a website you do not exist.) as well as our Demo reel.  A short preferably 1:45 minute piece showing some of your best work.
Needless to say these teachers had no qualm ripping a piece of yours to shreds and preferably so. When you spend so much time looking at the same piece you tend to not be able to see the mistakes you've made.
I was given a "38." This reverberated in my head like a gong and I felt my heart sink immediately, I could feel my fingers tingling from the lack   no sleep I had. I tried to keep the look of "I feel like I am going to cry." off my face and stand up straight, tall and be "brave" however, no amount of "be brave" could prevent me from failing and worst of all telling my parents this. They had rooted for me and of course this is what they were meant to do however, I felt like I was letting them  down as well as myself.

I dont know why I need feel the need to relive this but in the moments because I eventually found out I was failing I couldn't pay attention to any conversations. I didn't seem to exist in that moment and the world suddenly became very quiet. Everything was fuzzy and it was as if I wasn't there, I was in a state of paralysis and people were there to watch. This wasn't the case of course but it wasn't until later on that I realized that I was having a panic attack. One of the most severe since Junior Year.

The story goes.. she learns from her mistakes and does better.
There is a tiny shred of hope that the resubmission I did for my demo reel will help me in the long run but there is no chance of me passing realistically.

Good luck to everyone else that did pass. You deserved it and this class has been one of the most emotionally supportive i've ever had.

I am bouncing back because fewer things in this world can truly break the human spirit.