You're being ridiculous.

I've been fighting sleep since i could remember

rolling on my side from june to december

babbling words from my lips from the careful snares of parents

young parents who guided me through awkward bathroom stalls

to help me find my barrings

I'm searching the night sky for answers with 2 degree weather in a december didn't lead to a proposal

I'm searching inwardly for the strength to guard myself from attack

from friends

life long friends that concern me with remarks as rude as the sudden awakening of the sun after a long nights worth of drinking

I cower before the arch of a beautiful walk way and bite my lip in front of lips wet with alcohol and eyes green with curiosity.

You wait to see my voice waver in front of you stumbling to say the RIGHT THING at the RIGHT TIME.

eyes lock for a moment and i swear you can see how much of an idiot I am being--

over analyzing the very words that get me in trouble.

She talks to much, said a homeless man and they just laughed.

 I didnt.

I asked for my money back and tried not to be bitter.

because the last thing a fat girl needs is to be bitter.

to take to heart that not everyone in the world likes her and they have to find some valid reason to express that every day of her existence.

Where did this world go after proving once and for all that even super man had weaknesses.

where nurturing mothers turned into co-dependent drug addicts and moving on meant into another man's bed?

Is this the route i've meant to follow--

because if this is the case its a bit hard to swallow.

that im a little early for love and a little late for sappy shit and I keep having to do round abouts in this deserted love cul de sac.

Irony grips me by the throat when healthy relationships are an urban myth and dysfunction rises above all to claim wedding dresses faster than my escaped breath.

I am a rambler.

a writer rambler with words that seem less important as my voice becomes more shrill, anxious to let out words no one will hear.

So there i stand, pausing in between quatrains and wondering when she'll come back. such vigor, such color of a girl who once didn't feel so lost and now suddenly is trapped between the means and the aftermath.