Spoiled

Later as I am walking home I was staring at a fake red flower I put in my hair.
My thoughts drifted to the times I had been safe and snug in a relationship that I thought made me happy.


Realistically after a year I was bored. Bored of not seeing someone I loved and not admitting to myself that I didn't truly love the guy I was with. I stretch the word guy, considering this one refused to get a job or move out of his mother's house.

He had a semi-invasive issue with his own body but namely with mild issues with his heart... It was a medical condition in which he was able to lead a completely normal life ..just with heaps of gatorade.

I didn't appreciate him as a human being let alone a boyfriend and soon grew aggravated at the constant pull between him and school.

Yet he held a kind of kindness I dont think I could carry in myself any longer. He could make friends with anyone and was able to charm whomever. He was never manipulative and the sweet voice that would whisper good night to me each night for 3 years.

Fast forward from age 20 to 25.. Here I was walking down 4th avenue wondering what happened.
Had I cheated myself in thinking that short term casual sex was better than a relationship?

Admittedly it's certainly less complicated and being that this blog is certainly turning into more of a personal one I suppose that eventually the truth will come out.

You dont truly appreciate what you had until its gone but how else would you learn to deal with your own issues and other types of people unless you made mistakes? The city life is so full of questions with half-assed answers and I truly feel blind in this city.

One minute you think you're dating someone and they disappear. The signs dont pop up until after like a hap-hazard Nostradamus prediction and you're left to pick up tiny pieces of you that you thought you could give to someone you barely knew.

You're more afraid of giving someone your heart than you're body and surprised when that person bails? Seattle guys I tell you. Are something else.

Passive aggresive. Moody. Shy. Adorable. Determined and confusing.

Is that anywhere? Shit I dont know. I've been to New York where people somehow manage to, oh whats the word? Talk? yeah. talk. to one another.

Lord I sound so bitter.
I dont think i'll ever truly figure this or myself out but ..most importantly is wondering how exactly do i have someone stick around long enough so that I may cook them some goddamn breakfast?