I got nothing;

lately i open a little tablet and have nothing to write because it all seems to just ..resonante anger.

or some type of frustration that I'm still working to get out of me..

partially because ..of everything.

I dont really want to do anything except hibernate because its so fucking cold lately.

no really, its fucking freezy and 49 degrees plus intense pacific coast wind chills is enough to make anyone shiver.

Whatever;

as of late homework has been all that important so im gunna get this out of the way.

Its rough with alot of my friends not being in school;

because I have to sometimes tell them I cannot take the night off since I still am in enrolled.

In a proffession that I have to work my ass off in or I wont get a foot in the door.

I love it there.

As Cozy as it may be.

More later I suppose.. i've had no "me" time.

Blogs?

My heart is heavy.

because I seem to face door after door.

and so on my phone I wrote a note; and everyone eclectic thinks their stuff is new or fascinating.

Somehow;

I've lost touch with everything despite my vast amounts of ways to be able to contact people.

So here I am;

There are no words that could completely describe how stupid,silly I feel.

and thank god for crypticism.

I have to decipher my own code sometimes and right about now I just have to take the swing and swing it again. I want to cry again... and keep punching things in the face.

I always dreamed I could tear my face off.. and something beautiful would emerge.

because I have not felt anything except ugly.. or sad lately.

I keep getting rejected.

and rejecting myself... and putting idiot things into my priority list.

and and and and.

My tongue becomes thick and all im left is with the same old musings and lyrics that float in the air like bubbles..

i Promise me you'll stay beyond the sunrise

I don't care at all what people say beyond the sunrise

It doesnt seem to happen it just seems to blow up in my face.

who the fuck am I?

because I havent

How do I feel?
How do I feel when the moon is so full and blue that all I can do is gaze over the steel buildings and wish I didnt have these thoughts.

Like liquid pouring its way into my memories and lacing its ink through my finger tips
tapping on keys so quietly that even the softest gasp wouldnt' wake the night

like skin;
sweet skin that compresses and tightens each bud of fingertips memorizing the contours of what was once there
and still like every grace of its presents hip bones that arch in need;
lips;
sweet sounds that reverberate throughout tongue in cheek and bittersweet exhales that leave only one to wonder what will become of one in one night.

eyes;
gazing so sullenly outwardly at a world that rotates even as one's breath is haulted.
lest i forget the ache that penetrates dreams each night
swirling and festering in a cauldron of smoke,mirrors and thoughts.

let the dreaming begin
let it seep
and though the longing is there;
let it grow and mutate if it wants to so that each step will be as uncomfortable as the first.

Baby steps;
into a guiltless world where there are no words
just taste
there are no explanations
just gasps
no if's
only whimpers

may each hold proceed another gripping finger tips that reach out and snap back as quickly as they appeared.
only to fall into a lap curiously/anxiously/uncomfortably.
and await another day of quiet prayer.

No i dont think that i can be fixed

Another day has passed and its looking a little better.

I've almost finished a picture i drew of Zachary Quinto. He's my wall paper so i figured why not sketch him out?

He's pretty adorable and I thought it would be a nice change of pace being that all my thirty second sketches look odd/bore the hell out of me/dont really seem to be capturing much of anything except lines and movement.

Bah! I havent been able to make anything..noteworthy so I just might put this up on my DA. (finally some "decent." artwork.) thats all i got... for now.

Off to play some dungeons and dragons (yes i just said that.) for the first time with my Coworkers. I dont think anyone is ready for what is about to happen.

I thought i was over this

words are bleeding on my pages;

pages like a sad song that i sang ages.

weeks ago-- Purple summer came and washed away my tears and lifted my chin.

telling me its alright, just forget him

and i did and i worked and i slaved and i bathed.

but yet in my dreams in my dreams there he stays.

God;

what can i do?

can i do to quit this?

I let something go that i knew was wrong for me--

but still it hurts inside to think of what would of been.

Its pathetic i know-- Second chances are for dummies.

love does not concur all God.

but a storm churns in my tummy.

A nausea wave of anger whenever i see his beautiful face.

because at one point i was made but now an embrace.

Worlds are different now;

two very different beings.

I was a fool for asking him out;

and asking him out created this thing.

this monster inside of me.

that wishes he were gone.

that monster that clings to me;

and cries when the dreams dont go on.

In them i know... that what we were.

what is.

is not right.

But this could of been so easily avoided--

if not for that night.

Drowning in my dreams;

What do you do when you cant stop having dreams about someone?

In this dream i was in a room with him, he was playing a game and i was trying to get his attention and he kept holding me and ignoring me so i turned the moniter off and turned his face to face me and he was gone.

When i tried turning on his moniter to see what he was looking at i saw that his search engine said "Matthew James." and i tried to click it off.

he went home... and i tried calling him but i was using matt's number to dial.

I dont know whats going on but this is the second night in a row i've been dreaming about him...

its getting old.

i have no control over it and its not like im brooding over it anymore.

so why all the dreams?

Family

I always feel like that word is an urban legend.

why? partially because I have to keep doing a little self defense dance against them and its getting old quick.

When I let my guard down I get hurt... and when i think that .. for some reason things are going to be okay it isnt.

The adults I looked up to as a child are just as petty and selfish as anyone else.

We all have qualms, you cant chose your family. Which is why I have to keep taking up arms and dropping people like hats. I know I'm not an innocent to this and even in my time i've done some stupid things but I always feel as though they fail im comparison to what I've had to witness.

My mother;

my father;

my aunts

my grandmother;

I have to put this on blast because i know there are other people like me out there with fucked up families and NO ONE wants to talk about it.

No one wants to acknowledge when their "elder" has done wrong to preserve the name.

when no one even upholds just that.

I am so tired of crying because I feel like there arent isnt anyone to talk to within my own immediate family.

I'm tired of being pushed up front to deal with issues and then being pushed back to the back of the line again because one of my aunts wont get off her fucking high horse.

I'm tired of secrets first and foremost, and the secrets I was forced to keep when i was little.

"dont tell mama we didn't feed twinkie."

You are fucking evil and I had to live with that.

I had to live with it, and i reply that nightmare night after night knowing that the only way out is to start anew.

and even then why would i want to raise kids knowing that they're never going to know their grandmother? and will My Dad even live long enough to see me have grand kids when clearly he has no kidneys and hasn't bothered putting himself on the waiting list.

My aunts heard about my grandfathers murder; I have to watch my father die in front of me.

he's slowly dying and theres no way to stop it but to depend on some cold machine to pump new fresh life into him.

(and for those knew to this game its called dialysis.)

play the worlds tiniest fucking violin for me .. I dont care.

I cant pretend that pushing this on the internet is going to make anyone feel bad for me much less give a shit. You can scroll down this screen and do nothing.

Nothing; just like the rest of my family members would do and where would that get me?

Back here writing little "save me" notes knowing that its only a waste of my time.

Because Mommy is taking a permanent vacay and My Dads trying to pursue his dreams before he kicks the bucket.

How is my out look on life supposed to be positive when my OWN RELATIVES are constantly trying to one-up me?

HOW FAIR is that?

and even then.. my dreams arent good enough; you couldn't pursue your dream so you have to trash mine.

im not a can of fucking preserves and this self preservation shit got old when i was 15.

I've gotten in trouble so many times for speaking my mind; in my family my grandma just accepts it. lets it go. accepts it.

She takes so much shit from all of my family members; me, her oldest daughter, she watches my youngest aunt and even my father.

She's too fucking good for us and I dont even want to fathom what will happen. what will happen when i dont have her guidance because good lord knows I wont have a family.

I fucking hate that this is where the Rocha name has gone.

I hate how white washed parts of my family has gone and to some extent I could be erased from their family album.

I dont even have a family album anymore

and All i have are the tear welts from the pictures that i've kept as a child and for what?

to remember that at one point.. I didn't have to consider where i'd live after high school?

I was left behind.

and when mama is gone its there again..

All I have are my friends.

Bless them for having to hear me rant/cry/choke. whatever.