Repetition

Today my team mates and I for my research class were lectured on our thesis. Admittedly it was filled with generalizations and a tad bit rushed. I was happy with the research I did but nothing I did showed up on our paper. I was a tad butt hurt.

One more thing ; I am doing it again. Fbing like a mother. I guess old habits die hard, ill try to ease up on the obsession though its difficult being that a guy I like is on it. Heh, fool. He's cute and I post in hopes he'll like or dig it. Silly becca. Other than divulging that little snigglet of my life my nose piercing is healing up nicely and my week is already done. It went by. So fast!

How the he'll is it already week four?

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Weight;

If I can manage a whole day without thinking about my pant size it would be a good day.

I'm letting myself down and I feel like I've ballooned. I am at my biggest weight and I cannot believe that I had let myself get this far without confronting it myself; being a former anorexic doesn't help either. Look how far that got me right?

I think it started with eating too fast; too little; too late. Too much.

To be honest most of my sugar content comes from the drinks I have. If I dont have time for a legitimate breakfast I grab a mocha and that's all I will have from then onto 4-6 pm.

At nine i'll have my heaviest and last meal that typically conists of some type of protein and starch and I legitimately begin to hate myself because of it.

I dont eat right.

I sleep too much and then to little.

My chins getting fat too. FAT. I dont love myself nearly as much anymore and as I've told some of my room mates I dont even know what my body can do.

I dont feel comfortable giving apart of myself anymore and sexually my confidence is now nill; who the hell would even want to see me naked?

If you cant be vulnerable online then..when can you?

I need to lose weight.

I need to see my calve muscles again and BULGING.

I need to sleep more.

eat better.

eat better food period, just fucking eat.

because then I dont.. I drink coffee and call that a meal.

Ramble. Rant. Ramble.

This might be off putting and I feel a bit scattered brained at the moment. I havent gone to the gym in two weeks and I legitimately feel guilty about it. (Gym is supposed to fix everything yeah?)

Here is to busting myself tomorrow!

Here is to rendering and all hours of homework.

Here is to my sanity rising up again and being able to take care of me.

At least today I had a chance to make myself feel pretty.

I got my eyebrows/nails done.

that should cover up the ugly.

Sakuracon amongst other things

My name is Rabecca.

I recently quit a job at a local arcade.

I quit because I kept being scheduled during school.

I chose wisely because now I am going to be able to work elsewhere.

I'm not supposed to talk about this, I'm not supposed to say how miserable I was there. Nor how under appreciated I felt, I cant describe what it's like to work with other people around your age who bust their ass just as much as you do and then hardly get any praise if that.

Fear not dear friends,

I have another job now at the print center. I am waiting on a background checked and once I am approved I'll be able to carry out my days happilly doing homework/sleeping in and being able to not feel like I am being pulled to three places at once.

With that news aside..

SakuraCon was april 22-24th this year and I had an absolute blast. I worked a good portion of it and didn't really get to enjoy the panels as much as I had during ECCC. However, I did go to a rave for about 30 minutes before I bailed. I definitely had fun but I do regret spending most of con by myself, I wasn't able to get Matt to go with me but he did manage to borrow a friends pass so that he could at least enjoy some of the con.

The first day I woke up nearly as my alarm went off.

I cooked a good friend of mine breakfast who also worked the con with me, he had to leave earlier than I so I thought i'd be kind and cook him a nice meal, in doing this i damn near cut my thumb off. It took a good chunk of my skin but I was alright, I bought some spiderman bandaids and was good to go.

Just walking into the convention I remembered the brand-new con smell all to well. The slightly pine aroma before the nerd-funk set in. I made my way towards the exhibits hall and happily showed my badge which was matted to my chest just in case the red coats couldn't make out where it was.

I happily pranced in their to greet my fellow exhibitors staff and it was just like last year.

I cant tell you the freedom of knowing that you'll be able to enjoy something you love for three full days without having to rush to work to hate your lie.

particularly to a job you enjoy the least.

The next three days went by in a whirrr..

I closed the first day, opened the next and closed again.

The con was on and popping but aside from the opening shift I was far to tired to even bother with enjoying a Rated-MA panel. I just wanted to go home and sleep after having to herd around massive amounts of anime nerds. (Whom I love dearly, dont get me wrong. However, getting the stank face from Ryoko because she had to move out of the aisle gets old after 2 hours.)

To be fair, I have to say working that particular hall has been my favoritest thing at con. We eventually let some people in early because the sky bridge next to us was at capacity. Supposedly, according to the sakuracon forums we might have hit capacity in the building itself but that didn't happen.

Several staff members replied saying that we'd need to invite all of pax, kumoricon and several other cons to make up that max. capacity number. I was relieved and far less stressed out this con than any other.Most likely since I wasnt' dating or anywhere near the facilitators of the even, being around them is really exhilerating and exhausting at the same time. They're usually super stressed out (with good reason.) however, i'd never recommend actually recommend dating anyone that unless they are able to actually handle stress. (enough about that.)

*I apologize if I'm rambling or coming off as a 12 year old but I felt so ridiculously giddy I suppose that it shows. My face hurt from laughing/smiling so much this weekend.

So much can happen in one week!

I have to admit though, I had seen quite enough of this certain person but the time I was done with con. I had a good laugh at myself but overall couldn't have had it any other way.

This weekend has blessed me with a bout of change and happiness. I cut my hair, I re-pierced my nose and im starting anew. I'm happy, unfortunately up and quitting left alot of my amazing workers high and dry and for that I am deeply sorry. I am however, not sorry that I left an institution where I felt worthless. I felt brave and incredibly scared all at the same time. It felt wrong and amazing all at the same swirly time. So I've had time to digest and accept it and I'm glad I made such a decision.

Classes are not getting any easier but I welcome that. I am still rendering after 2 days a scene that I wanted to make perfect to submit to crespi's class. I have an idea on how to finish up my next one and with far less rendering time per frame. This particular scene was an hour per frame and I wasn't quite sure how it got bumped up so but I have a feeling it might have have had to do with something called "Ray tracing."

Grr Maya.

Anyway-- I am alive. Fruitful. pierced. Cut. Smiling and cute as hell.

No really, this hair cut makes me feel like a fairy.

- The Latin one

40 days are complete

Following up with this blog I was going to put a Q and A. So i'll put some common things I was asked here as soon as I am able! Thanks so much guys. --

Q: Why? A: I was addicted. Ridiculously addicted wake up in the middle of the night to check facebook status updates addicted. Willing to stay inside just to read those updates as if they really get me through the day. I had to stop the cycle someway and give myself something else to talk about other than facebook/my cat.

Q: Why didnt' you go the full 46 days? A: have you heard my lent rant yet? Each sunday was supposedly a "mini-easter"--yada yada yada your curse..err sacrifice was lifted. Uh, bull shit. That isn't a sacrifice. That's a mini-vacay from your vice you fool. So i settled for the original 40 days/nights.

Q: where were you when your 40 days were up? A: at the club! It was 12:06 at Belltown billiards and I was drunk off of patron. lol (*I'm a grown up little ones and I do grown up things.)

Q: Are you going back to it? A: Yeah, but sparsely. I said I wasn't going to put it on my phone buuuuut that plan got shot to shit. So I dont know, I'm already on it but I'm not going head first into an addiction. more to come later..

Day 37: Dos dias una classe

Today is fixing to seem like a chill day. I have class til four thirty and a linner situation with one of my best friends later. This week has been just what I needed to take the edge off. I feel crazy relaxed and if I could afford it i'd get my nails done. Ugh. Girly urges but I know the practicalities behind it make no sense. I almost feel bad for not bothering to go the full fourty six days buuut.. I still think its a load of bs that lent was lifted on sundays. Yeah,no. I was going to make a video bout it but I feel a little concerned about going back to facebook and falling back into old habits. My woes are starting to slowly melt away with this Research Seminar Class that I've had. I have to admit that I'm pretty proud of myself as far as being able to go forty days and talk to other people that have given up things for lent. We exchanged battle talks and one of my classmates even told me she had given up chocolate for lent. Chocolate? it almost seemed absurbd! I live in a house with three other women there is not a day that one of us goes without a bite of chocolate but I told her how crazy incredible that was. Dustin gave up soda; a top vice of mine and again i commended them. How awesome it is to share this sort of thing knowing that you're not going through it alone. All in All my attention span is greater, my grades are improving and my teachers seemed legitimately satiated in the work that I seemed to be producing now that I have seemed to get my attention span up to par. Though admittedly going back to being able to see what everyone is doing all the time is tempting, I am going to miss that lovely excuse. "Oh, I gave up facebook." Partially for showing up and partially because it gave me an excuse to set aside something so unseemingly mundane and do something with my life that wasn't updating a post. Blogs are the same and different in many ways, I cant explain how much more intimate it is to thoroughly read a blog post as opposed to skimming through someone's life. I have to say not being able to "stalk" the people I had been for months has been terrifying/annoying and liberating. I got a LIFE. I'm improving on it and I think my next adventure will be finding someone and not through a means of using this world wide web.

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Pt. 2

Day 35: Cinco

How the he'll did I pull off getting four deliciously brown coffee stains on my sweater you ask? Well I am me after all. A big ole mess. I waltzed into my advanced lightings class fourteen minutes late and feeling like a damned fool.

Luckily having one class per four days has at least motivated me to attempt to complete my studies. Admittedly my sleeping in was on my own account but at least school is only about a twenty minute drive so even if I leave ten minutes later I wont be more than twenty minutes late. (If I hustle.)

I got a notice from my financial aid officer, apparently im running out of financial aid. Im on about four k left and then im on my own. I'm. A bit fearful but I had this eerie sense of calm when I read my email. Im ready to finish school but again, its a work in progress. Anyhow its time to truly get off my ass and find a cheaper way to pay off school when im out. God I hope I can.

Stupid poor kid going to a rich school. Ngh.

Five days
1 class
5 hours of sleep.

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Day 34 : six days after my nyquil induced coma

I woke up with a start--In my dream Shanda, my best friend was upset at me but I can't remember for the life of me why. She was so mad and I didn't really know what to tell her.

Then When I did wake up it was an hour after I passed out so with the nyquil still working getting up to pee was the trippiest endeavour I have ever encountered.

Today-- I lost my orca card. I had it in my back pocket..I left. Got to the bus stop and it was gone. Gah, what a morning but at least God gave me two legs so I walked my ass to school. Being twenty minutes late was embarrassing but oh well, two more hours to go for anatomy and then homework all day.

I am also, on the last book of the hunger games and I am quite impressed. I think after lent ill review it on this blog and save it for future things.

I think at the end of lent Ill copy k.p. and post a mini q and a. Ill link her site for you to check it out. Everyday in 2010 she wrote the president its definitely worth browsing her internets for.

Its also finally getting sunnier in the north west so Ill be hoping to soak in at least an hour of it before I dive into homework times. Whine. My inner california girl is enraged at the notion of doing work on a sunny day. Luckily this day ends on a happy note and Im not workin today. Joyous celebratory anthems all around.

I feel blessed, sickly but blessed.

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