Wayward

I keep starting blogs and deleting them promptly--
I keep starting poems in my head and my tongue becomes attached to the inside of my mouth wanting to flicker my fingers across a keyboard or rummage for a pen so I can write it down.

but I resist;
I want to jump out in the sunshine and play hooky.
but I resist.
I want to draw the world but it empties itself out of my brain before I have time to run to a bus stop. wait 15 minutes. hop on the bus. wait 45 minutes. walk home. 10 minutes and get to my house just in time to say "Hi ladies!" and crash.

big.big.bada.boom.

I cant say that today wasn't productive. I'm relearning a new style to use maya as well as making a delicious meal for the day. I walked 3 miles with one of my best friends and my muscles are happily aching from the enormous task of getting back into shape.

was I ever IN shape?

ugh.
It's day 3 of legitimate exercise and I might take a breather so my muscles can heal and I dont feel so damn sore. My eyes are getting tired and its only 8pm. Bah!

Despite my cranky facade the sun beat down on my face like so many west coast California afternoons that I couldnt' help but smile creepily as I napped.

I keep trying not to flitter about in topics in these things but ah well; aside from my normal blah and boring lifestyle I have been trying to make a turn around this week and NOT SUCK SO HARD.Ahem. working on it seems to be the apt description and maybe with a bit more self discipline, exercise and study juice i'll be able to do that.

on a side note; im addicted to Rockstar.

HNGH.

My religion

I grew up with a God.

I grew up thinking that I hated being at Gay pride even though my aunt forced me too and I was only fourteen. I grew up around loving Gay uncles, Gay friends who acted more like family than my own mother and art that secured me in my place when my family, my Catholic family went to shit.

I'm listening to a preacher right now, his quotes from the bible are being used to examine and give options to how to live your life in a christian manner. I am a follower of Christ, of God, of love and I have always found ways to use the bible in my life to interpret how I should act.

Humble, loving and forgiving. (I'm working on the last part.) Vengeful always seemed to come with great consequence, with destroyed homes and faces. I couldn't really succumb to hating so much that you told them how to live their own lives.

believe me I've had that enough in my life..

The reason I bring this up is because there was a sermon he did. This gentleman named mark, he preaches here in Seattle. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctQOmzsvisQ

Feel free to judge or interpret for yourself. This one is particularly about Videogames and laziness. From one blogger to a speaker, im intrigued and saddened by him.

I've been surrounded by loving people who prefer one gender to another. God made them, and in my eyes they are perfect.

I could never imagine forcing my friends to be with someone they do not love or forced to live a life of solitude. I refuse to renounce my religion, I also refuse to give up what I believe in and so im stuck in this odd little angle. There are so many interpretations, which thankyoumen has given me this stubbornness with what I believe.

I love my gay friends.

I am a Catholic.

I would die before having them be scorned or hurt because they chose a life that was better suitable. Like any other human being they can experience love, they cry and try to understand how the universe could make them this way when so many people are telling them that how they feel is wrong.

Some aspects of this speaker I agree with. Some I dont. I can look at his preachings with open eyes now and also the wise words of my non-christian friends.

The point is; I can manage in this world even if people dont have the same religious views as I do. I love them just the same and I am happy as they are.

They open my eyes just as I do them. Not all Catholics think you're going to hell.

Not all atheists are going to attack me on what I believe.

Someone made the fun mistake on youtube of saying that God has never changed.

Haha. Little one, have you bothered reading the bible? He was a new God indeed, a vengeful one that sought to eliminate those who opposed him so that the others might live in peace. He learned that he loved his people more than anything and sacrificed his son.

(This is what I believe, if you dont alright.)

Point is : Uh, yeah he did. He changed a whole bunches..because if that weren't the truth we wouldn't be having overzealous christians pointing the finger and condemning people to hell here left and right.

I know I'll raise my kids just as I was, to be compassionate, to have an open heart and mind and to be patient with people who dont immediately understand why they are who they are.

I think I'm rambling.. anyhow.

Blessed be.

Still me;

Izzy wrote on a piece of paper she thought my shoes were ugly.
I smiled and wrote down "That's your opinion,darling."
She put it for two reasons; a.) I wasn't particularly fond of her toe-shoes. b.) she doesn't like uggs.

My favorite part of it was that she put that down as well "You have shoes like mine."
In terms of appearance, people didn't favor nor like that.
I put down. "Then we are two of a kind my dear."

We hate each others shoes but we're still friends, that's what I love about her.

I'm sitting here with much to think about and my mind buzzing with homework deadlines terrible Christina Aguilera lyrics and boy-texting.
I was trained like a lapdog at other previous jobs to smile whenever someone walks in a room, smile when things are array, smile when things make you nervous and especially thank the person every chance you get.

Good customer service was beaten into me like a tenderized piece of meat.
I am slowly letting myself relax into my chair and not perking up whenever someone comes in. I can let them know I am comfortable being there without hounding them down.

I like that..
I can thank izzy for pushing me to do so but I can also thank the school for making it a little easier on me to get an awesome job that doesn't make me feel like I'm an idiot.

I can stretch out, eat and do my homework and take care of people in the quickest way I know how.

Good things about whats going on;
I'm going to be in the Gay Pride Parade with a bunch of fellow belly dancers
( + I will get back into it I SWEAR.)
I have this awesome job at school 20 hrs.
I got a hair cut and a nose ring in case you missed it.
My father is amazing and helped me get an external hard drive for school. (1tb)
Mother's day is coming up and all the mothers/grandmothers in my life are getting a card.
I had my ipod classic fixed a couple of months ago and might I say that i love having it?

life is good.
I'm not pregnant.
I am healthy, broke and wise.

Now to kick this MAL homeworks ASS.

Anew

I dont know what my fascinations with semicolons stemmed from.
Mostly likely from freewriting stories and not paying as much attention to proper grammar and even times at spelling, at my leisure I would create capitals where there needn't be and write ridiculous characters to keep myself entertained. I'd spend 6-8 hours inside with my autistic brother and I'd let him watch all the cartoons he'd want, we'd go outside and play and then at night i'd make him the best dinner I could. I was only 15 but spaghettios seemed to suit him just fine.

We were lonely but we had each other. These memories pass me from time to time when I see a family of people like mine were. One special kid that always stood out and the people that stood around him adoring him and showing him things that his mind would happily process differently.
God knows how much I miss that but relatively my patience level has dimmed down significantly. I've yelled and screamed at my brother more than once for some of the horrific eating and bathroom habits he adapted to while he was in public school, the temper of my mother would rise and we'd get into fights. Yelling fights at first and then harmless fights of succumbing to a world where we had no mother and virtually no father.
My father on a good day works from 5am until late at night.
Even prior to that he had been in the hospital, his kidneys were failing him and because of that we were refused entry into the hospital. My father couldn't let us see him in his slightly less powerful state and so we spent a christmas together with my mother at the time who took pity on us.

She bought me a collection set to do my nails with.
Our tree was little. It cost maybe 5 dollars at walmart because we bought it the day off.
We decorated it with popcorn and string. I cried a little bit, taking the set she bought me. It wasn't wrapped because we couldn't afford it...yet at least we were together.

"Dont tell Dad I didn't get twinkie food."

Those words still haunt me a little bit and even when I would slowly let someone in on what's going on it would freak them out. I dont really blame them, why the hell would you want to get involved with someone who doesn't have the ample happy family life like you do? What will the neighbours say?

"You might want to see someone about that.." He murmured at me not really quite wanting to hear or listen to what I had to say.

I dont gush about my situation but I guess I use it as a means to air out what has been sort of circumventing in my head.

Gregory has been one of my few hopes, he is one of my first and best cousins. He's always listened given sound advice and high fived me through the trials and tribs. He told me that I was pretty sane for someone who had been through hell and I laughed. I had never thought of it that way until he pointed it out.

I'm blessed for the family I do have; for the words I have heard from loved ones, families, friends and even the few purrs from my Cat.

I think I went off on a tangent..
Today was the beginning of a new type of job for me. One where I dont have my life and wish the day was over. One where I actually feel productive and turn things IN.

Week 5 is my turn around week and I might have to stop doing some of the amazing social things I have been and return my focus on portfolio quality work and not letting down my teachers.

Wish me luck.

- Bex

Repetition

Today my team mates and I for my research class were lectured on our thesis. Admittedly it was filled with generalizations and a tad bit rushed. I was happy with the research I did but nothing I did showed up on our paper. I was a tad butt hurt.

One more thing ; I am doing it again. Fbing like a mother. I guess old habits die hard, ill try to ease up on the obsession though its difficult being that a guy I like is on it. Heh, fool. He's cute and I post in hopes he'll like or dig it. Silly becca. Other than divulging that little snigglet of my life my nose piercing is healing up nicely and my week is already done. It went by. So fast!

How the he'll is it already week four?

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Weight;

If I can manage a whole day without thinking about my pant size it would be a good day.

I'm letting myself down and I feel like I've ballooned. I am at my biggest weight and I cannot believe that I had let myself get this far without confronting it myself; being a former anorexic doesn't help either. Look how far that got me right?

I think it started with eating too fast; too little; too late. Too much.

To be honest most of my sugar content comes from the drinks I have. If I dont have time for a legitimate breakfast I grab a mocha and that's all I will have from then onto 4-6 pm.

At nine i'll have my heaviest and last meal that typically conists of some type of protein and starch and I legitimately begin to hate myself because of it.

I dont eat right.

I sleep too much and then to little.

My chins getting fat too. FAT. I dont love myself nearly as much anymore and as I've told some of my room mates I dont even know what my body can do.

I dont feel comfortable giving apart of myself anymore and sexually my confidence is now nill; who the hell would even want to see me naked?

If you cant be vulnerable online then..when can you?

I need to lose weight.

I need to see my calve muscles again and BULGING.

I need to sleep more.

eat better.

eat better food period, just fucking eat.

because then I dont.. I drink coffee and call that a meal.

Ramble. Rant. Ramble.

This might be off putting and I feel a bit scattered brained at the moment. I havent gone to the gym in two weeks and I legitimately feel guilty about it. (Gym is supposed to fix everything yeah?)

Here is to busting myself tomorrow!

Here is to rendering and all hours of homework.

Here is to my sanity rising up again and being able to take care of me.

At least today I had a chance to make myself feel pretty.

I got my eyebrows/nails done.

that should cover up the ugly.

Sakuracon amongst other things

My name is Rabecca.

I recently quit a job at a local arcade.

I quit because I kept being scheduled during school.

I chose wisely because now I am going to be able to work elsewhere.

I'm not supposed to talk about this, I'm not supposed to say how miserable I was there. Nor how under appreciated I felt, I cant describe what it's like to work with other people around your age who bust their ass just as much as you do and then hardly get any praise if that.

Fear not dear friends,

I have another job now at the print center. I am waiting on a background checked and once I am approved I'll be able to carry out my days happilly doing homework/sleeping in and being able to not feel like I am being pulled to three places at once.

With that news aside..

SakuraCon was april 22-24th this year and I had an absolute blast. I worked a good portion of it and didn't really get to enjoy the panels as much as I had during ECCC. However, I did go to a rave for about 30 minutes before I bailed. I definitely had fun but I do regret spending most of con by myself, I wasn't able to get Matt to go with me but he did manage to borrow a friends pass so that he could at least enjoy some of the con.

The first day I woke up nearly as my alarm went off.

I cooked a good friend of mine breakfast who also worked the con with me, he had to leave earlier than I so I thought i'd be kind and cook him a nice meal, in doing this i damn near cut my thumb off. It took a good chunk of my skin but I was alright, I bought some spiderman bandaids and was good to go.

Just walking into the convention I remembered the brand-new con smell all to well. The slightly pine aroma before the nerd-funk set in. I made my way towards the exhibits hall and happily showed my badge which was matted to my chest just in case the red coats couldn't make out where it was.

I happily pranced in their to greet my fellow exhibitors staff and it was just like last year.

I cant tell you the freedom of knowing that you'll be able to enjoy something you love for three full days without having to rush to work to hate your lie.

particularly to a job you enjoy the least.

The next three days went by in a whirrr..

I closed the first day, opened the next and closed again.

The con was on and popping but aside from the opening shift I was far to tired to even bother with enjoying a Rated-MA panel. I just wanted to go home and sleep after having to herd around massive amounts of anime nerds. (Whom I love dearly, dont get me wrong. However, getting the stank face from Ryoko because she had to move out of the aisle gets old after 2 hours.)

To be fair, I have to say working that particular hall has been my favoritest thing at con. We eventually let some people in early because the sky bridge next to us was at capacity. Supposedly, according to the sakuracon forums we might have hit capacity in the building itself but that didn't happen.

Several staff members replied saying that we'd need to invite all of pax, kumoricon and several other cons to make up that max. capacity number. I was relieved and far less stressed out this con than any other.Most likely since I wasnt' dating or anywhere near the facilitators of the even, being around them is really exhilerating and exhausting at the same time. They're usually super stressed out (with good reason.) however, i'd never recommend actually recommend dating anyone that unless they are able to actually handle stress. (enough about that.)

*I apologize if I'm rambling or coming off as a 12 year old but I felt so ridiculously giddy I suppose that it shows. My face hurt from laughing/smiling so much this weekend.

So much can happen in one week!

I have to admit though, I had seen quite enough of this certain person but the time I was done with con. I had a good laugh at myself but overall couldn't have had it any other way.

This weekend has blessed me with a bout of change and happiness. I cut my hair, I re-pierced my nose and im starting anew. I'm happy, unfortunately up and quitting left alot of my amazing workers high and dry and for that I am deeply sorry. I am however, not sorry that I left an institution where I felt worthless. I felt brave and incredibly scared all at the same time. It felt wrong and amazing all at the same swirly time. So I've had time to digest and accept it and I'm glad I made such a decision.

Classes are not getting any easier but I welcome that. I am still rendering after 2 days a scene that I wanted to make perfect to submit to crespi's class. I have an idea on how to finish up my next one and with far less rendering time per frame. This particular scene was an hour per frame and I wasn't quite sure how it got bumped up so but I have a feeling it might have have had to do with something called "Ray tracing."

Grr Maya.

Anyway-- I am alive. Fruitful. pierced. Cut. Smiling and cute as hell.

No really, this hair cut makes me feel like a fairy.

- The Latin one