What pertains to a useless degree?

Dearest Reader,
do you ever sit and wonder how it is that people can label one degree favorable over another?
Were the early masters of English & Science victims of this tragic statement? Only to be later idolized in textbooks centuries later?

I have to ask if it is so lucrative to invest in an engineering, political or math degree? did these one take the place of a liberal art degree and was Leonardo Da Vinci so invaluable had he not mastered the arts?
Chastised and made to feel insignificant because others saw it as thought it held no purchase.

If threats of a penniless existence kept us from the things we love, would there be no art?

In the days of Copernicus scientific exploration was prohibited. Artists, atheists or not were subjected to heavy biblical ideas and were held responsible for portraying heaven.

Today-- left brainers gain the advantage. Creativity somehow reduced to child's play and finger paint. Why the imbalance? how can we not have a station of the two where they can coincide. One cannot exist without the other.

The strong willful structured brain and the creative mind orgasms that create us as a society.

Cant we all just get along?

Failure

The past couple of weeks have been a tried and true test of the human spirit and emotional churning I think one can endure.

This Quarter has felt so perilous and yet no one can learn anything from constantly doing well. This entire career at the Art Institute has been a test of what I think I could do, what I could do and how I could of pushed that past anything I've ever done in the past.

The bitter taste of failure came when I was very young. I was kept plump,happy and sated most of my life so sports did not come naturally to me...at all. I couldn't run as fast as the other kids and I definitely had no idea of what was what in terms of athletics.

Hence my dip into The Arts and literature with that I was able to hone in some of the imaginative juices that come from spending so much time sheltered.

Depression was laid on thick last week and all I could do after a review and a quick slap of an "F" on my grade all I wanted to do was sleep. We all went into a room, uploaded our demo reel and awaited our reaping.

That it was, a scour of teachers new and old sat within the front row. We pulled up our website (because in this industry if you dont have a website you do not exist.) as well as our Demo reel.  A short preferably 1:45 minute piece showing some of your best work.
Needless to say these teachers had no qualm ripping a piece of yours to shreds and preferably so. When you spend so much time looking at the same piece you tend to not be able to see the mistakes you've made.
I was given a "38." This reverberated in my head like a gong and I felt my heart sink immediately, I could feel my fingers tingling from the lack   no sleep I had. I tried to keep the look of "I feel like I am going to cry." off my face and stand up straight, tall and be "brave" however, no amount of "be brave" could prevent me from failing and worst of all telling my parents this. They had rooted for me and of course this is what they were meant to do however, I felt like I was letting them  down as well as myself.

I dont know why I need feel the need to relive this but in the moments because I eventually found out I was failing I couldn't pay attention to any conversations. I didn't seem to exist in that moment and the world suddenly became very quiet. Everything was fuzzy and it was as if I wasn't there, I was in a state of paralysis and people were there to watch. This wasn't the case of course but it wasn't until later on that I realized that I was having a panic attack. One of the most severe since Junior Year.

The story goes.. she learns from her mistakes and does better.
There is a tiny shred of hope that the resubmission I did for my demo reel will help me in the long run but there is no chance of me passing realistically.

Good luck to everyone else that did pass. You deserved it and this class has been one of the most emotionally supportive i've ever had.

I am bouncing back because fewer things in this world can truly break the human spirit.

A former coworker asked people what it was like to be in love;

I'm a talker.. and as you know I did spend 4 years with someone I thought I was going to be with forever.
Truth be told I dont think I was ready.. ready to marry someone who wasn't going quite as far in life as I had hoped but he opened me up. To cry and love every single day i knew him.

We weren't perfect but we never argued without a resolution which wasn't often. When we would meet we were inseperable and people around us always wanted to know how long we had been together. He always held my hand, and seemed proud when he'd introduce me to his friends.

He was my first too.. and I loved him every minute. He held up a high bar for anyone else and I have yet to find someone as kind, as generous and as sweet as him.

I regret alot of things but we tried... even when we broke up. When I told him I had had enough. He was kind then, he never resented me and tried to be my friend and I pushed him away.

The thing is .. couples bicker... but never attempted to make that person feel sad.. or depressed in front of other people.

At 2am I'd have serious menstrual cramps.. i'd text him and he'd call me and talk to me until i fell asleep. I'd fall asleep hearing I was loved no matter what. No matter how bloated I was or how ugly i felt.

He loved me even after all that.
I miss him alot of the times because I dont know if I'll ever be able to fall in love like that again.

I hope that answers at least a part of your question.

Living with regrets and re-expelling them

I have been tempted to walk alone at night.Ipod in hand, flowing dress and heels and just existing.

The nightlife isn't foreign to me. Staying up til God awful hours of the night watching porn or figuring out things without putting much effort into painting what is going on in my head.

I was able to open up to my girlfriends and find my sweet release. I am doing this to myself and I keep re watching the same episode of a miserable state that I locked myself into.

Life isn't just a single sector but a multitude of moments i'll remember.
I'll remember the beautiful decaying white trees, the sound of the waves pulling the rocks away and the blush that spread across Bethany's face. A feeling of finally.


Seeing her Joy, Seeing others move on and experience life and love and success. I relish in it. I never saw the point in truly succumbing to jealousy because it eats up far too much time that I care to give.

I never thought I was above any experience. I make mistakes, huge ones and I am still here. I dont think that everything I say is so profound but its humorous to me to watch reflections of myself in things that I watch and do.

I recently sat down to watch HBO's "Girls" and "(Anos Besitientos) Leap Year."
To some points these reflected what a woman in her 20's is experiencing right now and the number keeps popping up. 25. 25.25.

I am 25.

I am the center of my own universe, cat, apartment, phone and facebook in all. I am plugged in and somehow caught in a space of gravity that I never expected. I have friendships that have lasted me a life time and I am doing so much soul searching that at times I make myself want to puke.
I look on in mild amusement that the lovers, boyfriends and playthings I have taken on all amount to laughable experiences with girls on a Tuesday afternoon.

I havent lost touch with human contact, with skin on skin or the fluttery feeling of a crush. However, being that I have experienced rejection, sex, money, lust and hunger. This has jaded my poor cold dead heart in the most humorous way possible.

I am still learning.
still spoiled.
still broke.

maybe thats why I havent given up.

Lust.

fingers wove into skin delicately
eyes gaze longinly at lips
mouths part curiously
then urgently, hungrily
until waves of pheromones take over
commanding the brain into over load
anxious so anxious
like a nymph 
like an unsatiated flower
grappling for what is truth
this is truth
like so many moans
tongues touching hungry
so burning is it that to succumb is the only way
hips pressed tightly pelvis grind
wanting wanted
reciprocating the lust that grows
growing like his need
growing like her love
and so he held her 
lips n'er parting
n'er leaving one another's side
kisses so perfect
so fervent
she ached for more.

Doll.

melt into a song..
let it sink into my hips and past the dirt on my knees

the arch of my back
buckling beneath the twang of heat
and mechanics;

ticking towards my side and grasping hair skin and flesh against my own
i am metal
i am not real

but your lips are
and i can only imagine
what they taste like
taste like

when im dancing
for you
in the audience
you see me and i know you do so for you
en pointe
I twirl my arms askew at the attempt at looking human
toes pointed i rise despite gravity
despite the earth 
n'er breathing
twirling for you, mister

if i dared
would you mate
with this mare?

i suck back a sob
when you leave the room
hoping after this 
i'll see you soon.

but alas you are gone
as is my performance.

meet me at midnight
beneath the lamp post.

Baby boy

Curtains drew back as the sun dipped into a room filled with Jasmine scented candles and Vanilla scented incense. A slumbering Body grumbled as a twitchy foot felt the warmth fo the sun as it cupped the padding of those sleepy toes.

The cushions of the bed heavy with the an angel fanned out against a mattress. That creaked with strain, each fabric stretched and came together as the Suns beams were unrelenting.

Shadows dipped into crevices that dipped and formed pouted lips moist as honey dew, lashes curved towards the heaven and dark as obsidian.Cheeks flushed with sleep and satin pillows smothered against heavy breathing chests.

A cherub like child--Brown tuft of hair that speckled with gold in the sunlight.
Beautiful boy-- fists balled tightly the air whistled with his ight snore.
He grumbles--a little man. 

baby boy--sleep now in your crib. Sleep, let the world not weigh you in.