What pertains to a useless degree?

Dearest Reader,
do you ever sit and wonder how it is that people can label one degree favorable over another?
Were the early masters of English & Science victims of this tragic statement? Only to be later idolized in textbooks centuries later?

I have to ask if it is so lucrative to invest in an engineering, political or math degree? did these one take the place of a liberal art degree and was Leonardo Da Vinci so invaluable had he not mastered the arts?
Chastised and made to feel insignificant because others saw it as thought it held no purchase.

If threats of a penniless existence kept us from the things we love, would there be no art?

In the days of Copernicus scientific exploration was prohibited. Artists, atheists or not were subjected to heavy biblical ideas and were held responsible for portraying heaven.

Today-- left brainers gain the advantage. Creativity somehow reduced to child's play and finger paint. Why the imbalance? how can we not have a station of the two where they can coincide. One cannot exist without the other.

The strong willful structured brain and the creative mind orgasms that create us as a society.

Cant we all just get along?

Failure

The past couple of weeks have been a tried and true test of the human spirit and emotional churning I think one can endure.

This Quarter has felt so perilous and yet no one can learn anything from constantly doing well. This entire career at the Art Institute has been a test of what I think I could do, what I could do and how I could of pushed that past anything I've ever done in the past.

The bitter taste of failure came when I was very young. I was kept plump,happy and sated most of my life so sports did not come naturally to me...at all. I couldn't run as fast as the other kids and I definitely had no idea of what was what in terms of athletics.

Hence my dip into The Arts and literature with that I was able to hone in some of the imaginative juices that come from spending so much time sheltered.

Depression was laid on thick last week and all I could do after a review and a quick slap of an "F" on my grade all I wanted to do was sleep. We all went into a room, uploaded our demo reel and awaited our reaping.

That it was, a scour of teachers new and old sat within the front row. We pulled up our website (because in this industry if you dont have a website you do not exist.) as well as our Demo reel.  A short preferably 1:45 minute piece showing some of your best work.
Needless to say these teachers had no qualm ripping a piece of yours to shreds and preferably so. When you spend so much time looking at the same piece you tend to not be able to see the mistakes you've made.
I was given a "38." This reverberated in my head like a gong and I felt my heart sink immediately, I could feel my fingers tingling from the lack   no sleep I had. I tried to keep the look of "I feel like I am going to cry." off my face and stand up straight, tall and be "brave" however, no amount of "be brave" could prevent me from failing and worst of all telling my parents this. They had rooted for me and of course this is what they were meant to do however, I felt like I was letting them  down as well as myself.

I dont know why I need feel the need to relive this but in the moments because I eventually found out I was failing I couldn't pay attention to any conversations. I didn't seem to exist in that moment and the world suddenly became very quiet. Everything was fuzzy and it was as if I wasn't there, I was in a state of paralysis and people were there to watch. This wasn't the case of course but it wasn't until later on that I realized that I was having a panic attack. One of the most severe since Junior Year.

The story goes.. she learns from her mistakes and does better.
There is a tiny shred of hope that the resubmission I did for my demo reel will help me in the long run but there is no chance of me passing realistically.

Good luck to everyone else that did pass. You deserved it and this class has been one of the most emotionally supportive i've ever had.

I am bouncing back because fewer things in this world can truly break the human spirit.

A former coworker asked people what it was like to be in love;

I'm a talker.. and as you know I did spend 4 years with someone I thought I was going to be with forever.
Truth be told I dont think I was ready.. ready to marry someone who wasn't going quite as far in life as I had hoped but he opened me up. To cry and love every single day i knew him.

We weren't perfect but we never argued without a resolution which wasn't often. When we would meet we were inseperable and people around us always wanted to know how long we had been together. He always held my hand, and seemed proud when he'd introduce me to his friends.

He was my first too.. and I loved him every minute. He held up a high bar for anyone else and I have yet to find someone as kind, as generous and as sweet as him.

I regret alot of things but we tried... even when we broke up. When I told him I had had enough. He was kind then, he never resented me and tried to be my friend and I pushed him away.

The thing is .. couples bicker... but never attempted to make that person feel sad.. or depressed in front of other people.

At 2am I'd have serious menstrual cramps.. i'd text him and he'd call me and talk to me until i fell asleep. I'd fall asleep hearing I was loved no matter what. No matter how bloated I was or how ugly i felt.

He loved me even after all that.
I miss him alot of the times because I dont know if I'll ever be able to fall in love like that again.

I hope that answers at least a part of your question.

Living with regrets and re-expelling them

I have been tempted to walk alone at night.Ipod in hand, flowing dress and heels and just existing.

The nightlife isn't foreign to me. Staying up til God awful hours of the night watching porn or figuring out things without putting much effort into painting what is going on in my head.

I was able to open up to my girlfriends and find my sweet release. I am doing this to myself and I keep re watching the same episode of a miserable state that I locked myself into.

Life isn't just a single sector but a multitude of moments i'll remember.
I'll remember the beautiful decaying white trees, the sound of the waves pulling the rocks away and the blush that spread across Bethany's face. A feeling of finally.


Seeing her Joy, Seeing others move on and experience life and love and success. I relish in it. I never saw the point in truly succumbing to jealousy because it eats up far too much time that I care to give.

I never thought I was above any experience. I make mistakes, huge ones and I am still here. I dont think that everything I say is so profound but its humorous to me to watch reflections of myself in things that I watch and do.

I recently sat down to watch HBO's "Girls" and "(Anos Besitientos) Leap Year."
To some points these reflected what a woman in her 20's is experiencing right now and the number keeps popping up. 25. 25.25.

I am 25.

I am the center of my own universe, cat, apartment, phone and facebook in all. I am plugged in and somehow caught in a space of gravity that I never expected. I have friendships that have lasted me a life time and I am doing so much soul searching that at times I make myself want to puke.
I look on in mild amusement that the lovers, boyfriends and playthings I have taken on all amount to laughable experiences with girls on a Tuesday afternoon.

I havent lost touch with human contact, with skin on skin or the fluttery feeling of a crush. However, being that I have experienced rejection, sex, money, lust and hunger. This has jaded my poor cold dead heart in the most humorous way possible.

I am still learning.
still spoiled.
still broke.

maybe thats why I havent given up.

Lust.

fingers wove into skin delicately
eyes gaze longinly at lips
mouths part curiously
then urgently, hungrily
until waves of pheromones take over
commanding the brain into over load
anxious so anxious
like a nymph 
like an unsatiated flower
grappling for what is truth
this is truth
like so many moans
tongues touching hungry
so burning is it that to succumb is the only way
hips pressed tightly pelvis grind
wanting wanted
reciprocating the lust that grows
growing like his need
growing like her love
and so he held her 
lips n'er parting
n'er leaving one another's side
kisses so perfect
so fervent
she ached for more.

Doll.

melt into a song..
let it sink into my hips and past the dirt on my knees

the arch of my back
buckling beneath the twang of heat
and mechanics;

ticking towards my side and grasping hair skin and flesh against my own
i am metal
i am not real

but your lips are
and i can only imagine
what they taste like
taste like

when im dancing
for you
in the audience
you see me and i know you do so for you
en pointe
I twirl my arms askew at the attempt at looking human
toes pointed i rise despite gravity
despite the earth 
n'er breathing
twirling for you, mister

if i dared
would you mate
with this mare?

i suck back a sob
when you leave the room
hoping after this 
i'll see you soon.

but alas you are gone
as is my performance.

meet me at midnight
beneath the lamp post.

Baby boy

Curtains drew back as the sun dipped into a room filled with Jasmine scented candles and Vanilla scented incense. A slumbering Body grumbled as a twitchy foot felt the warmth fo the sun as it cupped the padding of those sleepy toes.

The cushions of the bed heavy with the an angel fanned out against a mattress. That creaked with strain, each fabric stretched and came together as the Suns beams were unrelenting.

Shadows dipped into crevices that dipped and formed pouted lips moist as honey dew, lashes curved towards the heaven and dark as obsidian.Cheeks flushed with sleep and satin pillows smothered against heavy breathing chests.

A cherub like child--Brown tuft of hair that speckled with gold in the sunlight.
Beautiful boy-- fists balled tightly the air whistled with his ight snore.
He grumbles--a little man. 

baby boy--sleep now in your crib. Sleep, let the world not weigh you in.

I dont speak any;

I don't speak any japanese. But his voice made me want to, not one word in japanese but kanji threatened to flicker across my lips into my fingers and scribble calligraphy.

Absurd as it was I no longer carried pieces of paper to write poetry

I merely mumbled words in spanish and counted syllables with the utmost delicacy.

You are beautiful;

How many languages may I say that in?

Will it translate as well as your skin.

Making my mouth water counting the strands of your jet black hair. Eyes lit like the moon and obsidian as rock. Or maybe are you vietnamese? Words cluck from your tongue as harmonious as your english.

Please.

Don't stop talking because in a world with too little words and too much text I can't bear any more silence.

Speak; foreign tongues.

Spanish or asian.

Brown or white as porcelain.

Its another quiet longing I won't fulfill.

In spite of myself.

Narcissism

Are we?
I have been watching Girls for the past couple of days. I've been aching to see a different perspective as to what other people are going through in their early twenties. Young, scared and horny.

That about sums it up but mostly being able to see a reflection in a t.v. series is refreshing.

I hate it and I love it however this isn't a review of the show but more along the lines of the symbiotic relationship everyone in this area seems to be having.

Spoiled

Later as I am walking home I was staring at a fake red flower I put in my hair.
My thoughts drifted to the times I had been safe and snug in a relationship that I thought made me happy.


Realistically after a year I was bored. Bored of not seeing someone I loved and not admitting to myself that I didn't truly love the guy I was with. I stretch the word guy, considering this one refused to get a job or move out of his mother's house.

He had a semi-invasive issue with his own body but namely with mild issues with his heart... It was a medical condition in which he was able to lead a completely normal life ..just with heaps of gatorade.

I didn't appreciate him as a human being let alone a boyfriend and soon grew aggravated at the constant pull between him and school.

Yet he held a kind of kindness I dont think I could carry in myself any longer. He could make friends with anyone and was able to charm whomever. He was never manipulative and the sweet voice that would whisper good night to me each night for 3 years.

Fast forward from age 20 to 25.. Here I was walking down 4th avenue wondering what happened.
Had I cheated myself in thinking that short term casual sex was better than a relationship?

Admittedly it's certainly less complicated and being that this blog is certainly turning into more of a personal one I suppose that eventually the truth will come out.

You dont truly appreciate what you had until its gone but how else would you learn to deal with your own issues and other types of people unless you made mistakes? The city life is so full of questions with half-assed answers and I truly feel blind in this city.

One minute you think you're dating someone and they disappear. The signs dont pop up until after like a hap-hazard Nostradamus prediction and you're left to pick up tiny pieces of you that you thought you could give to someone you barely knew.

You're more afraid of giving someone your heart than you're body and surprised when that person bails? Seattle guys I tell you. Are something else.

Passive aggresive. Moody. Shy. Adorable. Determined and confusing.

Is that anywhere? Shit I dont know. I've been to New York where people somehow manage to, oh whats the word? Talk? yeah. talk. to one another.

Lord I sound so bitter.
I dont think i'll ever truly figure this or myself out but ..most importantly is wondering how exactly do i have someone stick around long enough so that I may cook them some goddamn breakfast?

Rebirth at a quarter of a Century.

I suppose in the future i'll look back at these and wince.
Wince at the bluntness of my emotions and the inner turmoil I had put myself through in the most ridiculous fashion.

I wrote a terrible poem the other day of the ice kings that i've dated.
Cold to the touch and even colder to hold.

I thought I might of broken this touched curse but I might be wrong. He was also sick but I am going to ease up and love myself first. I need to save a bit at a time and stabilize myself so that I can finally help my family.

Nothing to good comes at 1:46 at night but I pray someone somewhere feels as stupid as I do when he doesn't text back. When one simple question is left hung in the air and I feel like a fool for asking it.

Was it too much to ask someone I had barely met to wish me happy birthday? Absolutely.
Was it stupid to assume that someone who was ready to jump my bones to not drop off the face of the earth ? Definitely.

I am running into a pattern of heady sexual men who actively seek me out and then vanish once the pot warms up.

If only I could tell myself to not kiss them.. let them have a taste of me.
and it isn't always sex; In fact I did not. The first date got heated and well here I am.

I am lucky; I got to spend the day with people that cared about me but it's also a stinging reminder that I am single when everyone in Seattle seems to be making milestones in their life.

I need to disappear for a while.
Just go somewhere else and be someone else for a while and maybe then i'll get my shit together?

The new me begins soon and she's not taking any more shit.
She deserves better and a good head on her shoulders.

Spring Awakening (one of THOSE blogs..)

it’s been a while since i’ve written tell alls or emotions that have been trapped in me like caged mice. I havent been able to dutifully tell whats going on in my head because reality is; I dont know how to face it.

The one thing i seem to hate about the forever alone is how it seems to be a awful reflection of what i seem to have growing inside of me. I have never outright dealt with rejection well and this was literally in my face.

“I’m done..” he said as we were walking past a corridor facing what i knew was the end of us.

I had this talk with shanda before when we first started dating. 

“It’s going to suck when its done..” I said. 

“It cant last forever..” she told me.

The reality of this biting situation that for the moment, for the age it seems so true. so hauntingly true to face that in our age love seems almost impossible. We’ve gone through the highschool stages, the eternal blissful love that comes to a crashing hault. Suffocatingly enough is bothering to date when the person only goes to change their mind, which mind you. They are rightfully able to do but the games they play in order to get laid becoming far more elaborate than i had ever expected.

“I dont have to be in a relationship to fuck someone.” I attempted to verbally lay into him the pain i had felt for being ignored for almost a week. Women have had worse as I would have expected but i never thought that I would be asked to stay and leave all within one month.

I never knew that something so tiny in my life could blow up yet again. This year at Sakuracon it was like a cluster fuck of the men that i had laid with. Roy was a distant memory. a tiny buzzing in my ear that i had all to soon forgotten. The two weeks of hell in new york while i was essentially been negated for world of war craft. 

All with that tiny voice shouting and crying.

You PUT yourself in that situation. 

Men just as emotionally neglectful as the next and yet a tiny glimmer of hope that they would see you as more than just a conquest or a thing. 

boys. boys obsessed with video games and not me.

boys who were too emotionally torn up inside to open up to someone that just enjoyed being in their presence and trying not to feel the pathetic cloud washing over her.

I want to stop crying. 

and the numbness that comes with the love that comes from everyone but them is all consuming. The people I share these feelings with are starting to see the shell crack and that scares me the most. 

I havent written or drawn much of anything. I havent been able to peel away exactly what has been bothering me and stayed in a state of artistic catatonic emotion.

I cant apologize for what they did and I cant say i deserved it.

I cant say i didn’t try and i’ll never apologize for the amazing sex I had but that cannot be the ball and end all of my life. Of my 20’s.

Jane Austen and a hair brush

I have finally gotten around to cleaning my house when I had the inkling to pop open a jane austen movie and enjoy what bits of freedom I have to do art again and write.

I have not been able to do what I've wanted to do artistically in quite a while and art school is quickly coming to an end.
A long journey of sobbing, learning more and more about my talents and pushing myself harder mentally and physically than I ever have before.

The days where I have to focus on school and read all day helps me breathe.
I can finally relax into my bed and sleep. Counting dreams one by twos and not explaining myself.
not explaining why I can be so emotional on AND offline.
Of keeping the peace and then causing an emotional riot.
I will never regret speaking my mind in that course of action, because it wasn't to cause people pain but free myself from what I endured as a teenager that seems to continue to haunt me into adult hood.

eitherway, I am one rounded out female. I have my shit together mind you;
An apartment, a Job, career focus and a happy black cat who stares at anyone who comes by.

"Your tongue is sharper than a guillotine." - Mansfield Park.