Day 33: Leave me to die

Ugh--God.

I skipped class today primarily because im being a melodrama Queen and My nose is running like a bat out of hell. I'm coughing and sneezing and the common cold has a grip on my sinuses like the jaws of life.

I.am.miserable.

I am praying to God that a ridiculous amount of Pride and Prejudice and warm soup will be a cure all for the infestation that is whatever is going on in my body at the present moment.

It's only week 2 of classes and i've already missed modelure city building. Missing Crespi's class is like missing space camp.

Yeah, wrap your noodle around that one.

The good thing about all this is, is that I get a day off to blogpost do homework and just let my body take it easy for a second being that last week was just sort of non-stop.

Typically its class in the morning and then work at night rinse-lather and repeat.

It's exhausting and my roommates have already told me they've seen little to none of me.

I think the most time i have had to spent on my lonesome at home was a solid 4 hours.

that's definitely not enough time for me to get my bearrings but I think it'll just prepare me in the future to use that ample time for studies.

The sucky bit out of all of this is that I still have to buy my anatomy coloring book for class tomorrow being that presumably I have a test.

balls.

7 days til social networking.

13 days til easter.

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Day 32 : Thank Goodness

Lent is 6 days longer this year.

According to some Catholic websites what we give up for lent can be lifted on Sundays because those are celebrated as "mini-easters"

WHAT? since when? Sorry, I think its a bit ridiculous not to go the full 40 days worth what are sacrifices for?

Anyway-- 8 days til lent is over.

I'm not going the six extra days.. damnit Catholocism. You make up rules and then you change 'em up on me.

Can I? Yes.

Do I want to? Absolutely not.

Anyhow, I have found a way to get a new job and I'm super stoked. Bethany is going to be turning in my resume and I am super excited to see if possibly I can get back into coffee or start up a tiny web business. Who knows?

Lord knows that I need to get shit done and even now homework needs to be a first priority.

Alright that's the news for now.

Day 30: Wreck of the day

Today after two hours of working out in the morning. I still sort of feel like I didn't do anything. I did my usual routine and by the end I snubbed ten minutes of the elliptical to get to school. Maybe not showering after is the reason is the reason I feel so meh.

Today is just gorgeous. I can't get over the feeling of the sun on my face and the laughter of children. The only thing saving me from getting sick is a good cup of mocha and some airborne. I have one last class for this week and I might try to make working out every friday morning as part of my new routine.

Only with far more showers. Yetch, mersa or not.
Anyhow-- this has been quite a trip. Telling people about what I gave up has been a crazy endeavour considering how addicted I was. I was glad to take a break from knowing what everyone was doing all the time.

9 days.
You know, this blog was for me to speak openly about my religion but not once have I brought up easter. I'm kicking myself too. Whattheeff becca? Am I excited for easter? Yes and no. No because now I don't have an excuse not to be on facebook, yes because of sakuracon and chocolate bunnies. My family hardly ever actually celebrates anything anymore so I doubt there will be a legit feast.

That is probably all up to my roommates.
Anyhow, best of love to all.
Be well.

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Day 29: Lark

My temper gets the best of me.

I was yelling at my computer earlier like a psychopath. Two days prior I lost my phone on the bus/whatever walking escapade I was on and was of course, not paying attention. My grandmother thoughtfully brought me another one to replace my phone but the phone itself was not recieving any service.

Crap-- Just my luck. Figures something as ridiculous as that would happen, to be honest much like my facebook hiatus not having a phone for two days was surprisingly liberating. I sat much of the time with my ipod or Book 2 of the Hunger Games and let my mind breathe a little bit.

I've been on edge mainly because of my disgusting sleep schedule as well as the ridiculous hours i've been hauling my ass downtown. I for lack of a better word, am exhausted.

I envy those who have time to pout over a lost love, work out, do their hair, makeup and enjoy vacations outside of the City to my life-- School then work then sleep and school again.

I know that in this point in my life there will be a struggle then it will pay off. I see it in the long run but I cant help but flex my feet and feel the ache in them.

I cant help but feel my irritation rise when someone else has way more to do--party then I do.

I'm glad to take it easy and yet I want a taste of what it's like to head to miami for a week.

Who knows? Currently I'm still essentially "communication-less" except when it comes to this computer and even then its sort of hilarious how much these electronic devices mean to me.

Namely in keeping touch with the people I care about.

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So other than going off on this ridiculous tangent I am definitely in a state of irritation over the reception i've gotten from this blog. I didn't expect hordes of people but I definitely didn't expect to get snubbed. I think today should be dubbed "Butt hurt Becca thursday."

I hate to admit that in the years of living with my father I had never experienced the sheer narcissism of what people may contain. I admit, this blog, my tumblr and my facebook all center around this somewhat ideal of people peeking into my lives, however, i've never proclaimed anything but what I am. Trying to not suck, trying to make myself a better person for myself, my friends and through the eyes of my God.

I've never gone on tangents about how great my breasts are, what an excellent little bee I am nor the sheer enormity of my behind. I was taught from very early to love myself modestly outwards and enormously inwards. I guess from that I could gather that when people are too busy talking themselves up they're just hiding their own tiny insecurities.

and somehow I am supposed to deal with those tiny insecurities?

You guys are well aware I have my own. Not to mention dealing with those oh, and the ridiculous schedule I'm supposed to maintain?

I love you.

but If I have to get my shit together so do you.

Pick it up, look at yourself and take care of yourself.

a math teacher at AIS once told me No one loves you but your mama.

In some ways this is so true no one is going to take care of you but yourself.

talking about yourself. isn't taking care of yourself.

putting those words however into action is, working out for YOU. not for show but to make yourself feel just a tiny bit less like crap in the morning. My generation puts so much focus in impressing everyone else we forget how this is our one life to live and our one chance to be amazing in more ways than appearance.

ugh.

I am going to listen to my own advice and work out-- more. I feel so weird sayin that because it used to be normal for me to hit the gym everyday and now I have amazing/ridiculous priorities that lay in front of me.

I really need God to give me the strength to not sleep in til 12 and sleep at 3am. That wont help me or anyone else if everything about me goes kapoot.

10 days til facebook.

1 day til payday

sigh. My life doesn't suck so bad I just hardly have anytime for prayer.

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day 28: chocolate chip muffins

Estimado La Padre,

Amongst the 5 hours of sleep..bump that, Nap. I managed to somehow slip between Work and school. I somehow geniously left me phone somewhere amongst Seattle and First Hill. agh. At least phones can be replaced.

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Day 25: A time to weep

I woke up Angry today not particularly because of anyone or anything but because of the awful dream that I had; In it I had finally gotten a chance to instant message my mother. She was ashamed to admit her occupation and I pried enough so that she sent me a link. In it she was dressed in a tight purple dress, a black belt around her and black leather boots that reached up to her thigh. She had a ridiculous amount of makeup on and a black wig of all and what set me back was the fact that she was grinding and dancing on girls my age.

I was sickened in my dream, normally I am a sex positive person however, this really upset me. She later sent me a link in my dream where these girls were playing a risque game where if you couldn't say a word you'd push your finger into her mouth, nose, ears or otherwise. I remember trying to google it but only come to find out that later -- I was in a DMV with my mom. We were discussing my graduation and how much I wanted her there and she fought me on it. Telling me she had everything in the world to do except be there and I remember being incredibly hurt.

*Later*

In another dream I had we were in a giant house much like dead alive. So immediately I knew why I was having these dreams but in it I was surrounded by a shrine of candles all from a different religion. One for ganesh, one for mary and a couple of others for goddesses.

As soon as I had lit these candles I turned around and they were out.

So.. thus far that was the later part of my Day.

Earlier When It was past 12 and I was still at work I had an interesting time trying to keep my cool. Most definitely not because of the guests I had but partially because of the back handed comments I seem to be getting from a peer of mine. I need to relearn to control me temper because as I have noticed i've let it run rampant.

I got home last night a little after 2 am ( I close at 1) and noticed that Bethany's flame inside of a cup was flickering wildly. It swirled in the cup and eventually put itself out but prior to this it had done this fantastic dance like it was fighting to live. I watched it and admittedly was a little scared, this little flame could easily burn the apartment down but there it was. In its cup, flickering wildly sort of like the little gusts of anger I had felt throughout the day.

Thank God I can wake up to a safe home no step family, no astranged mother and no screaming from my lovely but loud autistic brother.

I'm safe here even if sometimes it only feels for the mean time.

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Lent Day: 22 a time for drink

I just had to revamp my entire blog posts because I was getting way ahead of myself.

( I was never really all that good at math anyway.)

Tonight around ten i'll be able to go out with my girls and have a drinky-drink at Sully's. I am super stoked to be taking it easy tonight and be able to kick back with god awful greasy food, new clothes and a bit of a pint! I havent just hung out in ages and last night being able to go Window Shopping and watch the Jersey shore reunion helped me piece things together.

*Yes, I am well aware of how awful J.S. is but it's so addicting.

*Dont you dare judge me

Today I enjoyed some quiet times reading The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. It was so nice relaxing on the couch, listening to the sounds of the washer and the erratic howlings of our neighbors. (our neighborhood is crazy.) No music. No t.v. No computer just my breath and the turn of a page.

ahhh..I needed this. I'm able to live again.

Even if its only two-three days out of the week.

I had the priviledge of heading to North Bend with my grandma where she made it rain. She had informed me numerous times that if I ever needed to go to North Bend she would take me, I asked she said yes and then today she was like "nuh uh I didn't say that." So we almost didn't go but weather conditions permitted us to enjoy a 4 hour shopping trip together.

As pissed as she was to drive there she actually seemed to enjoy picking out outfits for jackie, helping me find weather proof boots and grabbing some hilariously cute argyle sweaters which I will wear the fuck out of.

The important thing to note here is not that I went shopping, not that I have new jewelry or new shoes but I got to spend time just being with the people I love most.

I needed it so bad and something tells me they had no clue.

I had a cleansing ritual with some of my room mates and I was happy to be able to share something incredibly meaningful with the people that put up living with me.

on my list to do before Spring Break is over:

Drink a guinness

flirt up an irishmen

keep up with my blog

learn how to make a tamale

make lemon bars

spend some time with my dad

draw a picture..any picture. A PICTURE.

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