Day 25: A time to weep

I woke up Angry today not particularly because of anyone or anything but because of the awful dream that I had; In it I had finally gotten a chance to instant message my mother. She was ashamed to admit her occupation and I pried enough so that she sent me a link. In it she was dressed in a tight purple dress, a black belt around her and black leather boots that reached up to her thigh. She had a ridiculous amount of makeup on and a black wig of all and what set me back was the fact that she was grinding and dancing on girls my age.

I was sickened in my dream, normally I am a sex positive person however, this really upset me. She later sent me a link in my dream where these girls were playing a risque game where if you couldn't say a word you'd push your finger into her mouth, nose, ears or otherwise. I remember trying to google it but only come to find out that later -- I was in a DMV with my mom. We were discussing my graduation and how much I wanted her there and she fought me on it. Telling me she had everything in the world to do except be there and I remember being incredibly hurt.

*Later*

In another dream I had we were in a giant house much like dead alive. So immediately I knew why I was having these dreams but in it I was surrounded by a shrine of candles all from a different religion. One for ganesh, one for mary and a couple of others for goddesses.

As soon as I had lit these candles I turned around and they were out.

So.. thus far that was the later part of my Day.

Earlier When It was past 12 and I was still at work I had an interesting time trying to keep my cool. Most definitely not because of the guests I had but partially because of the back handed comments I seem to be getting from a peer of mine. I need to relearn to control me temper because as I have noticed i've let it run rampant.

I got home last night a little after 2 am ( I close at 1) and noticed that Bethany's flame inside of a cup was flickering wildly. It swirled in the cup and eventually put itself out but prior to this it had done this fantastic dance like it was fighting to live. I watched it and admittedly was a little scared, this little flame could easily burn the apartment down but there it was. In its cup, flickering wildly sort of like the little gusts of anger I had felt throughout the day.

Thank God I can wake up to a safe home no step family, no astranged mother and no screaming from my lovely but loud autistic brother.

I'm safe here even if sometimes it only feels for the mean time.

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