I was yelling at my computer earlier like a psychopath. Two days prior I lost my phone on the bus/whatever walking escapade I was on and was of course, not paying attention. My grandmother thoughtfully brought me another one to replace my phone but the phone itself was not recieving any service.
Crap-- Just my luck. Figures something as ridiculous as that would happen, to be honest much like my facebook hiatus not having a phone for two days was surprisingly liberating. I sat much of the time with my ipod or Book 2 of the Hunger Games and let my mind breathe a little bit.
I've been on edge mainly because of my disgusting sleep schedule as well as the ridiculous hours i've been hauling my ass downtown. I for lack of a better word, am exhausted.
I envy those who have time to pout over a lost love, work out, do their hair, makeup and enjoy vacations outside of the City to my life-- School then work then sleep and school again.
I know that in this point in my life there will be a struggle then it will pay off. I see it in the long run but I cant help but flex my feet and feel the ache in them.
I cant help but feel my irritation rise when someone else has way more to do--party then I do.
I'm glad to take it easy and yet I want a taste of what it's like to head to miami for a week.
Who knows? Currently I'm still essentially "communication-less" except when it comes to this computer and even then its sort of hilarious how much these electronic devices mean to me.
Namely in keeping touch with the people I care about.
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So other than going off on this ridiculous tangent I am definitely in a state of irritation over the reception i've gotten from this blog. I didn't expect hordes of people but I definitely didn't expect to get snubbed. I think today should be dubbed "Butt hurt Becca thursday."
I hate to admit that in the years of living with my father I had never experienced the sheer narcissism of what people may contain. I admit, this blog, my tumblr and my facebook all center around this somewhat ideal of people peeking into my lives, however, i've never proclaimed anything but what I am. Trying to not suck, trying to make myself a better person for myself, my friends and through the eyes of my God.
I've never gone on tangents about how great my breasts are, what an excellent little bee I am nor the sheer enormity of my behind. I was taught from very early to love myself modestly outwards and enormously inwards. I guess from that I could gather that when people are too busy talking themselves up they're just hiding their own tiny insecurities.
and somehow I am supposed to deal with those tiny insecurities?
You guys are well aware I have my own. Not to mention dealing with those oh, and the ridiculous schedule I'm supposed to maintain?
I love you.
but If I have to get my shit together so do you.
Pick it up, look at yourself and take care of yourself.
a math teacher at AIS once told me No one loves you but your mama.
In some ways this is so true no one is going to take care of you but yourself.
talking about yourself. isn't taking care of yourself.
putting those words however into action is, working out for YOU. not for show but to make yourself feel just a tiny bit less like crap in the morning. My generation puts so much focus in impressing everyone else we forget how this is our one life to live and our one chance to be amazing in more ways than appearance.
ugh.
I am going to listen to my own advice and work out-- more. I feel so weird sayin that because it used to be normal for me to hit the gym everyday and now I have amazing/ridiculous priorities that lay in front of me.
I really need God to give me the strength to not sleep in til 12 and sleep at 3am. That wont help me or anyone else if everything about me goes kapoot.
10 days til facebook.
1 day til payday
sigh. My life doesn't suck so bad I just hardly have anytime for prayer.
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